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Saturday, November 7, 2009

Another walk in the woods today... different woods... Hinson Lake

Here I am again listening to Jon Schmidt's "Walk in the Woods" cd and I'm fighting back the tears.  Again. A few are popping through, but I'm tough and I'm forcing them back. Why the tears? I'm not sure. I don't recall a poignant walk in the woods over my lifetime, however, I do recall many fun walks in woods, forests, and amongst the wild grape vines and beautiful twisted Live Oak trees which resided on the dunes of Chesapeake Beach -- the end where I lived.  So long ago...

I wonder if the tears are because Jon Schmidt and I have a poignant moment when we talked about his sister, Rose Anne, after his concert in Charlotte, NC this past June.  And the fact that he wrote a tribute song to her to play at her funeral. She passed away when he was only a teen of an unexpected Epileptic seizure. Although, I don't allow my mind to wander in that direction often, I do think a little bit about SUDEP being at high risk for it. It's not that I'm afraid for anything to happen to me. My concern is about those that I care about if such an event were to happen to me. I already miss my loved ones I don't see, and even people I've not seen in many years. People, I do desire to see again. Family members. Friends. Close friends. Like one of my best friends back home -- we just never have enough time together when I'm in Virginia Beach. I care about her as if she was my sister, yet we rarely talk. I wish it were different.  There's a wall, on her end, I can't seem to break through, except when I'm there or let her know I'm coming.  It's fine because we always pick up where we left off, but it does concern me for her.  But... whatever.

In pondering, are my tears because I'm still in somewhat of a holding pattern?  Could very well be the frustration and trying to hold it in.  Put a good face on as much as possible in front of others.  All I know is that God is in charge, indeed, and here comes the "but"... but I'm human and am feeling quite stuck. Having said that thought, there is a little good news and it's that my nurse from Wake Forest Baptist Comprehensive Epilepsy Center called me today. She returned my call to her from two weeks ago. There are times I'm impatient, but times I'm extremely patient and when it comes to Valerie, I'm a patient patient. We both have a couple of things (information) we're gathering and I shall be calling her back soon to schedule an appointment with my new Epileptologist. How do I feel about it? The same as before. My hope is no different. My expectations, if they've changed are minimal. Yet, I believe in being a good patient and we'll see where it gets me. My case is just so atypical, I'm not sure they know what course of action to take with me. And to be totally honest, for the time being, I'm not sure where else to go in my situation.  It is all up to God, and I continue to believe in my healing.  Don't let my words here fool you!  But, I have to have an outlet... just so happens mine is a bit public on my blog and FaceBook. 

When I was speaking with Valerie, I shared with her about Summer, and how Summer truly was "my" summer. That caring for her, watching over her, helping her and bonding with her, trying to ease her pain in every health condition she was enduring or recovering from was my number one priority here at home. Valerie has read my blog entries a few times and she knows I'm using photography for rehab purposes -- my own version. Anyone reading for the first time, I'm not a photographer and barely claim to be a novice -- I take pictures because it's a rehab tool for me, and because I feel drawn to. It's not a hobby with me, it's something I feel compelled to do.. or better said "led".

Anyway, I sent Valerie an email after we spoke to share some photos of Summer with her. Before and current photos so she could see the wonderful transition my girl has made. Summer was in very sad shape when we first pulled her from the shelter in Chesterfield, SC. To see her today, except for her smile and ears, she doesn't look like the same Springer. In essence this is what I shared in my email...

I'm not scraggly like Summer, but I'm hoping for somewhat of a transition, too, from the way things are now in my life, to a better quality. My passion lies in these rescue Springers and I have a goal for Summer to become a therapy dog. There's a rehab center connected to First Health Hospital in Moore County where dogs help stroke victims and people with neurological problems. That's where I hope to have Summer help one day. An outreach for her per se'. She was a dog used for breeding purposes and it's been easy to see what a wonderful mother she was. It's in her to give love and mother others... humans, too. She will never have puppies around to fulfill that need in her. It's a trait. She has a litter, literally, of stuffed animals she cares for and carries around with her. Moving each one at a time to wherever she decides to rest. I need to re-channel that love and devotion. She should be over it by now, but she's not. She demonstrates the fact that she isn't by her little toy litter and separation anxiety. She's so bonded to me, she has a hard time even if I'm outside. However, to help her find a rewarding outlet, "a job" I must gain some independence and feel comfortable going out on my own again. Meaning some of the sensations I experience need to be alleviated. Steve has so much on his plate, he needs a break, too. How I get there, though, is always the question. Much I'm doing myself with God's help. He's not giving up on me, so my part is to not give up and to work with Dr. Sams and you. My fear is information overload on your end. If it will help achieve a diagnosis, or hinder it. Only time will tell.

And even though, we are not to fear, I have reasons for having that fear.  My mother has been through it, and so have I.  There's a place where too much medical history can get a diagnosis off course.  Right now, it's imperative we know what's happening in my brain, and the other neuro issues I'm experiencing can be focused upon later.  I'm dealing and I pretty much know what some of the symptoms stem from having read my MRI results (which the negatives were never discussed with me -- I had to read the info myself on records I requested).  So... at some point in the future, I'll pick up again on an update about my brain and I ~ LOL~ but for now, this is it!  In the meantime, I'm praying for favor and sensitivity from WFBHCEC... and answers!

When I hung up from Valerie, I focused again on the news of yesterday and today.  Could the news be much worse?  The Fort Hood situation, the tragedy of the lost lives, and those left to grieve and miss their loved ones.  And those who are injured.  I never ask God why... but pray that He uses this in some way to get our governments' attention.   Then, today in Orlando... another tragedy.  All of the families and loveds are in my prayers -- the survirors and injured.  I pray for God's healing touch, his grace and that they'll be surrounded in His arms.

Then, this afternoon a probation officer was shot in Charlotte.  Each and every time an officer of the law is gunned down and I hear about it, it comes home to me.  More prayers.  I can't help but put myself in the spouse's position.  So, after briefly watching some of the media coverage of the Texas and Florida tragedies, then hearing about the officer via a phone call from my mother, it was time to get out of the house.  So, my cop husband and I, along with Sydney and Summer took a wild walk in the woods at Hinson Lake.

Why was it wild?  It was our first time out with Sydney on her new Gentle Leader face harness thingy to make her stop pulling when she walks.  As well, it was Summers first real walk with my hubby, Sydney and I together in a wooded area with amazing scents!  There's a super path around the lake, yet, doggies of all manner visit, so the parts per million were going strong into our Springers' sniffing noses... they pulled and pulled and tugged and wanted to lead the way.  We didn't battle but, lets just say it was brisk walk!  And I must admit, I'm so proud of Sydney, overall she didn't rebell, and every single time I told her to sit, she did perfectly.  Both she and Summer had a doggone good time and have been crashed out all evening.  We'll be doing it again, soon.

I did have my little camera with and took quite a few shots... not tons for me, but certainly enough.  The color of the trees reflecting in the water was gorgeous!  I so love taking photos of reflective surfaces, but water is my fave.  Pretty much, I focus on it, yet look as far across the body of water that I can possibly see, while I also look close up and look up.  The melange of colors was stunning today in that water.  The weeds, dead trees, even algae looked beautiful to me, yet, as always I see beauty in imperfections.  I'll be sharing a slide show below, and only feel compelled to share one more thing... then I'll go...

I fixate on reflective surfaces much in part because they remind me of the way my brain works now.  I've always had an extremely vivid memory.  Plus, I'm really into details, and recalling details and specifics.  Since I'm now for all intents and purposes homebound, I spend an inordinate time remembering.  It's more time than I used to before the misfires began.  My own take, since the misfires are going off in my left mid-temporal lobe, I believe the kicked up activity causes me to remember more, and even more vividly at times.  Memories and temporal  lobe go together hand in hand.  However, the down side is that my immediate recall isn't so hot at times.  The same is true here and there regarding my ability to recall short term.  This can be anything such as whether I've fed the dogs in the morning, when I'd fed the dogs a few minutes earlier.  If those bowls are in the dishwasher still clean, I haven't.  If they are still on the floor recently eaten out of, I know they been fed.  But, if they are clean and dry in my dish drain, I have no clue because I wash and dry them by hand often.  So, it takes a routine, and a routine I must stick to, to really be sure.  Then other times, I can recall something that I know I know and in detail, but I may not be able to recite why or how I know.  I just went through this yesterday.  This is with insignificant "stuff".  It's ultimately a good thing, because if it is the type of "thing" I can research on the net, or in a book... whatever, I will and I learn from it.  I may not connect the dot to the how I know... but it is reassuring when recognize a person, place, or event.  For a few moments though, it drives me nuts, because I wonder.  And when I wonder... I fixate.  People like me who are grossly non attention decifit, fixate.

Well, slide below... another blog entry... and long... hmmmm... soon I expect them to be shorter!

1 comment:

Gigi said...

Jeanne, I found out today that one of my good friend's 17 year old cousins here in VB was just diagnosed with epilepsy. She was in the bathroom the other morning before school, her parents heard a "thud," ran in and found her in full seizure. They got the EEG results today.

I know I've told you before how much I enjoy your photos, but these were just exceptional! Honestly they rival anything I've seen framed and hanging in galleries! You are quite talented, no matter what you say! Bravo, my dear! But then, we know to Whom all the glory goes...for both the talent and the subjects you shoot ;)