So much in life comes down to connections... says the dot connector...

A train framed view of the North track from the diamond @ Hamlet Crossing 

From our brains, meaning our neuro wiring, as I tend to call it; throughout our bodies, to our business and personal lives, to our techy devices, so much in life comes down to connections.  There is such a gamut of definitions for the word.  But, as real people with real lives living in this new world of social networking totally driven by our connections, relationships, and hi tech stuff, they should be something most of us can find some common ground in our understanding of the multiple meanings and uses.  As a dot connector since way back when, I see connections in practically everything.

Visual sights such as power lines strung over a network of towers placed in sequence resembling gigantic angels, toy soldiers, and robots are mesmerizing to me.  Not only do the structures themselves amaze me, but the fact that their network of connectedness delivers electricity into our daily lives.  I'm not only drawn to, but enjoy photographing the towering figures as I shared back on April 8, 2009 in a blog entry, entitled Angel Power.  Just about every piece of that blog entry, I still believe, with the exception of the mention of a group in the first paragraph.   

So, a side track update is now required, in case you click in...

Last year I was of a peace at all costs mindset.  I'd had had it with strife and conflict brought to me by others, regardless of the avenue.  Although life is most certainly a blessing, and God is in control, we are human beings trying to live together in harmony on this planet.  It can be difficult to stay upbeat, positive and joyful, even when we have no problem whatsoever in counting our joys.  It's a sign of the times that our challenges these days aren't getting any easier.  There are things we can change and things that we literally have no control over.  In an effort to be more focused on the positives in my life, I made choices to eliminate some things, activities, and even a few people that crossed my path(s) last year.  So much in life also comes down to our choices.  Why choose to rub shoulders with people who bring you down?  Or, who are on individual power trips in a volunteer group, which undermine any chance of friendly cohesive teamwork? 

Well, due to that very chosen mindset, my hubby and I decided to separate ourselves from that group.  Without going any deeper into the specifics and details relating all of our reasons "why", bottom line there was too much conflict and too too many "us against them" type of attitudes.  Since we were new to the group and not a part of either side of those "us" or "them" folks.  Nor, could we tell them apart, it was better for us to part ways.  Needless to say, it took the joy out what could have become a super fun hobby for us.  And work we would have happily given to the group.  Instead, it became a shake the dust off our feet experience.  It's not a decision we look back upon and regret one iota.  Connections were made, perhaps too fast, quickly became no fun at all and, sadly, not worth our time.  Perhaps that sounds snobby, but not really.  Time is truly precious, and since my condition unfortunately does play a role in everything we do, we try to make what we do worthwhile for ourselves.  As well as benefit others when it comes to our outside "volunteer" commitments.  We also had no vested reason to hang in to see if things would ever change.  We gave it several months.  It worsened.  So, why bother?  It wasn't a lesson that needed to be learned.  But, more or less, a reminder to be cautious of connections that are over laden with valleys in the midst of an appealing interest peak and a desire to be a part of something worthwhile. 

Now, back on topic and on to another twist regarding connections.  Although I have it in my genes to love trains, and consider myself a railfan, another reason they captivate me is that they are very much an image in my mind of what connections, signals and networking is all about.  Metaphorically, I can go all over the place about connections, signals and networking, but for the purposes of this entry, I'm tying the train connection to me, of course.  My brain; my life living with "E".

I see the misfires in my left mid-temporal lobe as malfunctioning switches which takes my signals (neurotransmitters) off track from their original destination.  I see the long six week seizure event I experienced beginning the end of December, 2005 through the second week of February, 2006 as a major derailment.  One that created a domino effect giving ground to cluster seizures, that to this day, I've not recovered from.  That I also believe set the stage for the non-stop 24/7 neuro sensations and pressure I feel in my head and then, random neuropathic driven sensations throughout my body.  In essense, my signals are still screwed up.  Even though I'm coping better, and God and Project Rewire have helped my speech and writing to improve, my quality of life is still no where near, I'd like it to be.  Admittedly, I desperately want the uncomfortable sensations to subside.  And I so very much want some of my freedoms returned to me.  So, life will be easier on my husband, and easier for me.  I'd say normal, but I've learned normal is not a state of being.  Even though each of us has a different "normal" and many of us desire a better normal, we learn to cope and appreciate with what we have. 

Normal is a fluid thing, and can change in the blink of an eye.  The you you know is here one moment, and poof, that you can become history.  To look at me, you probably can't see it, but much of the old me isn't there.  The "E" still has its grip on it and another me has emerged.  A me, I'm reluctantly trying to learn to live with.  I'm asked often "how do you feel?  You look healthy!" when we encounter folks that know a little about how things changed for my husband and I.  For which I often reply, "Thank you, I'm better, but the 24/7 neuro sensations are still very much there."  For which the next question usually is, "So, when are you going back to your doctor?"

I typically reply with some version of the following... "As an atypical case with hypersensitive and idiosyncratic reactions to medications I can't face becoming a guinea pig on a merry-go-around again right now.  All of the diagnostics I was put through didn't get me anywhere.  Inpatient or outpatient.  I failed five medications, which means they either made things worse, or my body couldn't handle the side effects.  I gave the medical profession three years of my life to get me somewhere, and got nowhere.  I invested two years at Wake Forest Baptist Comprehensive Epilepsy Center, which made too many mistakes for me to continue with them.  If the Lord puts the right Epileptologist across my path.  One willing to look at me with fresh eyes and have experience with those whose bodies react uniquely to medications.  I'll try again." 

That's a mouthful isn't it?  You may wonder why I share all of that... Well, to be brutally honest, I'm not looking for empathy, pity, nor attention.  In fact, I detest talking about, and even blogging about it.  But, they are both ways to help cause awareness by adding my face to those living in the United States (and elsewhere) with Epilepsy and Seizure disorders.  The only way I know to do it is to share information about myself and how Epilepsy has impacted my life when someone asks how I am and is sincere about it.  Otherwise, the asker is likely to get the vanilla "I'm fine", robotic response we all give.

So, how do I cope with my day-to-day existence?  Because most days it doesn't feel like really living.  Through my connections.  The connections I have with my husband, my family, my rescue animal kids, my personal interests and friendships.  Each moment my mind is focused elsewhere involving one or a combination of those connections, is a moment of welcomed distraction.  Whether that means sitting at the Hamlet Historic Depot & Museum watching trains.  Or, taking a walk down Main Street in Hamlet.  Or, running errands with my husband around Rockingham, or in Raleigh, or Charlotte, for the day.  Or, looking through a camera view finder for a unique view of something that speaks differently to me, than it may to you.  Or, doing some hands on with my volunteer interests.  Or, being the center of attention for some snuggly rescue Springers.  Those are some of the moments I live for these days. 

And those are the moments that get me through to the next...

One of which has been on my mind quite a bit the last few days.  As it has been the past month or so, since there's been a very recent major cleanup by CSX around the Hamlet Historic Depot & Museum and Hamlet Crossing.

Last fall, my husband and I were watching trains there, which is known for the diamond where the North & South tracks intersect with the East & West tracks in Hamlet, NC.  The Hamlet Historic Depot & Museum also faces this area.  It had become such an eyesore, which was making me sad.  I'd even hit a place where I was reluctant to take photos once everything began turning brown.  No matter how much I tried, I couldn't find the beauty in the imperfections when I looked across the area.  Aside from the trains, of course.  

Finding beauty in the imperfections is something I'm always trying to find an example of whenever I take photos around Hamlet.  Well, this particular day, I decided to stand at the diamond and shoot photos of the area while a train was heading west.  Using the railcars as a frame, I snapped photos of the tracks heading north into the CSX yard and the beautiful sky in between the railcars.  Here are just a few of those shots.   

The images above reflect positive connections, in my humble opinion.  The ones we need to keep us on track, together and strong.  A steady track to follow, like iron rails. Ties that bind us together, like railcars attached to each other.  All that the Lord gives us, such as the blue sky mingled with clouds framed uniquely by our lives and the way we view things.  Signals, to guide us.  And for support, sturdy ground to build our lives upon.

Lastly, we all need someone bigger than us to guide us.  As a christian, that's the Lord and is reflected upon the cross.  The old poles in the photo below, always remind me of the cross Jesus gave his life for us on.  Then, there are times life throws us a curve ball and we find ourselves needing someone to help pull us along the tracks of life when we can no longer take to or go travel by ourselves.  For me, that's my husband.  He's the second engine.  It's a tough job at times because he has a life, too.  Fortunately, his driving force, is the Lord, too.  The lead engine...

Normally, I don't cross post between Project Rewire and All Aboard Hamlet, but for the next few posts, I will be.  Saturday, March 26th is Purple Day to support Epilepsy worldwide.  I believe it's important that we start in our own backyards, which is my reason for cross sharing this entry and the upcoming entries.  In essence, my blogs are my backyard.  Both, in their own ways, reflect my story.  Of course, the obvious connection is that I author both blogs. 

If you, or a loved one or friend has Epilepsy  please consider wearing purple on March 26th to help bring much needed  awareness to the disease and the need to find a cure.  Both, Roxy, my rescue ESRA Sprocker (English Springer Spaniel + Cocker Spaniel) who has  Epilepsy and and I will be wearing purple on the 26th.  My people connections, please think about joining us and if you are owned by a dog, why not add a purple ribbon to his or her collar for the day for Roxy and her canine friends with Epilepsy.  Thanks!

Going backwards again to catch up to now...

Well, this most recent hiatus from blogging wasn't a planned one.  I didn't need a break to refuel my brain, nor was I pondering the merits of sharing much of my life publicly like in the past.  This time around it was because my summer became very busy since my last entry.  I could say I was running in different directions, but that would make it sound as if I didn't have focus, nor purpose.   I actually had a life this summer with an extra dose of purpose and focus!  What a deal!

When I closed my July 17th entry, my goal was to pick it back up and share some aerials of Hamlet, NC.  At that time, my husband and I had hoped to fly again over Hamlet to add to a collection of photos I shot during an early a.m. flight on July 5th.  But, we've yet to fly above Hamlet since then.  Between the winds and our schedules, it just hasn't happened.

I do have some news about the Hamlet Historic Depot Museum, though, where he and I are both volunteers.  Recently, I became their newest board member and right away was given the task along with another volunteer to revamp the web site.  Holy Hallelujah!!!  This is a responsibility I'm elated over and just can't wait to get rolling on it.  It's been a hurry up and wait ordeal for the past 6 weeks, but not for much longer.  There have been some details we needed to work out before a sorely needed face lift could begin, and some actual, like for real, content added.  Thankfully, as of tomorrow we'll have those details out of the way.  So, our project will soon get underway. Yay! Yay! Yay! 

For me, this is much of a heart string project.  I love the Hamlet Depot -- every single inch of the amazing Victorian structure built in 1900 by the Seaboard Airline Rail Road.  My family roots on my mom's side ties to the old SAL RR and that incredible building.  I have memories of it going back to age four, and my mom's memories of it, also go back to age four.  She's 90 now.  So, you can just imagine!

I could share stories my grandfather and uncle shared with all of we grandkids/nieces & nephews over the years, but I'd be at my keyboard forever, if I did.  So, suffice it to say, my goal for the new web site is to reflect the utter beauty and unique history of the Hamlet Depot, and show it off as the jewel it truly is.  Not only in Richmond County, but in NC, along the eastern Seaboard, as well, as in the U.S.  It's the only depot like it in the entire world.  One little known fact, is that the original architect, if there was one, remains unknown. It's a love for many a train enthusiast I've met over the past few years.  And is also quite the vantage point to watch, photograph and film trains as they travel by, or into the nearby freight yard.  Hamlet Crossing is known to countless train watchers from... believe it or not, around the country and even Canada.  I've actually met more people train watching, who could care less about the Depot.  It doesn't strike me as unsual one little bit.  In it's heyday four tracks and twenty-one passenger trains rolled through Hamlet daily.  Now, it's one track, east, west, north and south, with two going into the freight yard.  Yet, the appeal of the trains is still very captivating to train lovers young and old.

Also, at some point in the future, there's another train related project even more important to me.  One which is a heart string project of epic proportions to a cousin of mine and I.  One we hope to do to honor our family at some point in the very near future.  Particularly, we want to honor our Monroe roots and our grandparents and our mothers and our mothers' siblings.  We've back burnered it for a few years as we've needed to get the proper funding for our vision to come to fruition.  It's so special that it's always in the back of my mind, yet when it's not, it's in the forefront.  I've been praying about it steadfastly, and by faith, I believe we are closer than ever now to making it happen.  The funding hasn't happened yet, but I'm sensing the timing is just about right now.  So, we shall see how God's hand works to tie everything together.  He's aware time is of the essence.  He's aware of the need.  He's aware of its historical merit.  We stand ready, when He gives us the green light.  Yet, the more prayer on our behalf, the better.  If anyone would desire to know more, please feel free to write to me privately.

At the end of this entry, I'll share a slide show of the photos I took on the ground and in air on July 5th.  A few of the shots are really unique and a couple I've received compliments from critics who rarely give me a pat on back for any of my pictures, so it must have been a good shoot, overall.  It'll be a repeat for my friends on Facebook, but I also use this blog to log the flights my husband and I take for several reasons.  One is to record our flights for him, more than me, actually.  No matter how good or how bad my pictures are, my husband loves them and he loves re-living our flights over and over again.  He's always complimentary of my photo taking ability.  I also log our flights here in pictures to keeping a running history of some of our best times together -- it's a memory keeping place for me.  One he can easily find his way to, and share with others if anything ever happened to me.  I'm blessed because often when he shares about our flights and the pics I take, he shares about my challenges with Epilepsy, too.  And how God has helped me use photography to rewire some areas in my brain that need it.

A little more playing catch up...

This summer, a new Springer love came into lives by the name of Roxy.  She's absolutely precious and was another meant to be rescue and keeper for us.  She's blended into our Springer pack perfectly, but she's become like a guardian angel to me, seriously.  She has Epilepsy, too.  And her original owner called a kill shelter to pick her up and requested them to euthanize her.  Although, the uncaring owner had not seen fit to even try treating her for seizures.  Much less, take her to her vet for assessment.  Fortunately, God had other plans for Roxy, and sent a very caring Animal Control Officer to pick her up.  The moment he laid eyes on her, he knew she was destined to have a new future.  Once he clarified the former owner's wishes, he said he couldn't get out of there fast enough.  From there, he contacted the Head of Animal Control and Shelter Manager for his area, and he also fell in love with Roxy immediately.  She's so pretty and petite, it's hard not to fall head over heels for her.  He made a snap decision not to put her into the shelter.  Instead, he arranged for foster care.  It was a couple of days before ESRA became involved and my husband and I were asked to go "pull" her, but Roxy was loved and cared for during those two days.  The Shelter Manager called her his "little show dog".  Thank God for that Shelter Manager and the Animal Control Officer.  This is second time we've worked with this particular Shelter Manager and he has such a heart for animals.  The shelter he runs is in a very poor county and there are no physical walls, but he does the best he can for all of the animals in his care.  He works with other rescue groups and does everything he can to place animals in foster homes and forever homes on his own.  God bless him!

This summer also brought with it an amazing high school reunion for me back home in Virginia Beach.  I'll spare my readers from going on and on and on about it, but it was fantastic!  I reconnected with the rocks on my end of Chesapeake Beach that I love so much!  They are my place of peace on this earth like no other.  I reconnected with my old home on Lauderdale Avenue, and Chubb Lake behind it.  Both still hold my heart, as if I still lived there.  I also reconnected with some very special people to me -- friends that I'd missed since I was teen.  One I went to high school with, but we knew each other from our neighborhood.  There are no words to describe how good it was to see her.  The other two took me back to my pre-school and grade school years.  Wow!  What a weekend of reunions it was for me.  I also have made "new" friends with classmates from high school I never really got to know during our years at Cox High.  With my old friends, we just picked up where we left off and didn't miss a beat.  With the others, is as if we knew each other forever.  All it takes is some common ground for people to get along and care about each other in ways that make a difference.  We can have opposing views on important things to us, but it matters not.

Also, I let the anniversary of writing this blog go by unnoticed.  On purpose.  Last year, it was all about making it a milestone and to share some of the methods I believe the Lord led me to do to help myself, and to bring me to a place of healing.  I even made a couple of videos about it.  However, after the first of the year, I took those "marker" videos down.  Although, I still want to be a face for Epilepsy, so people can relate, it's not about reaching numbers any longer.  Or, creating awareness to the degree I desired to at one time,  Part of that was the learning to live with it process.  And, I did contact legislators and still talk to people as I feel prompted to, or when the opportunity arises.  But, to try to lead any semblance of a normal life, I can't focus it on it, nor allow it to absorb my positive energy.  I need that energy for other things.  And energy is a hot commodity for me.  These days, It's about being a witness for the Lord by the life I lead.  It's about trying to encourage others via the net and in person when I get the chance.  These days, it's about making a differences.  And that pretty much ques me in back to me.  During my years working for my old employer, one of my goals was to make a difference to our company and to some of the lives I touched on a daily basis.  Making positive contributions.  Going above and beyond.  I wasn't out to make a huge impacts, but little differences.  Maybe that's a small goal, but I've always been a one on one, small group kinda of gal.  Something I mentioned in my two videos last year.  I still am.  Now, I'm acting like it again.

As for how I am "this blog anniversary", each day is still different, yet still the same.  The 24/7 neuro sensations are constant and on-going.  It gets old!  The dull and sharp pains come and go, as does the shuddering in my head.  The needles and pins throughout my body, the vibrations in my thighs and tremor in my right hand are still very much there.  But, it's not an every moment thing.  Plus, the dexterity issue with my right hand seems a bit better.   Sometimes I keep it all at bay by distracting myself with the activities of the day.  Sometimes, I try, but I can't and when it's really bad, the end result is that I have to give in and be still as it all washes over me.  That's happened more in the past three weeks than it has all summer.  Extra pressure from the atmosphere, a storm moving through, a hurricane off the shore, allergies, or even a slight head cold can kick up what's become norm for me, quite a few degrees.  Rarely, do I allow them to get the best of me, but there are times there's simply no getting around it. 

As for me and the medical profession... it's been over a year now since I last went to Wake Forest Baptist Comprehensive Epilepsy Center, and I'm honestly, no worse for the wear.  I feel better having them literally out of my hair with EEG's that just seemed to require another and another.  My hair has actually grown because of it and is breaking off less.  Where it fell out from all of the glue and tugging from several EEG's back to back, has filled back in, thankfully. I still miss my original epileptologist at WF because we were getting somewhere when he was over my case.  The hope I felt was real because he put feet to it.  But, once he left to go to Texas Tech, that was it.  My faith and confidence in WF waned, and it wasn't because I wasn't a good patient.  My experience my last year, still leaves a bad taste in my mouth and even though I know I should pursue treatment at another facility.  I'm just not ready for it.  The diagnostic merry go round, guinea pig try this AED, and that AED syndrome is no fun for someone hypersentitive and idisyncratic with medications, on top of being labeled "atypical".  For now, I'm emotionally and mentally better off being my own person and not being controlled by "them" and their negativity.

In some ways, things are better in that the ever so pesky word retrieval issues have improved verbally a great deal.  In writing, I still have issues, but there has been improvement.  There's still a disconnect between what I write and what my eyes see at times.  I'm not sure how it works.  I can proof read over and over and not see the little screw ups.  Then go back moments later, and there they are glaring me in the face.  Some I leave, but there are others, I feel compelled to correct.   It's always embarrassing.  Everyone says get over it, and it doesn't matter.  It matters to me and as long as it annoys me, I'll keep pushing to improve.  My vocabulary still isn't what it was, but it's grown a little. 

Am I better, physically?  Not exactly.  Am I coping better emotionally?  Yes... since the beginning of the year I've been in a "peace at all costs" mode - groove - mindset.  It's caused me to deal with things and some people differently.  Perhaps, I'll share more about that at another time.

Am I accepting of the disease that wants to control my life?  No.  Absolutely, not.  I continue to push past and through at every avenue.  Sometimes sec by sec, sometimes minute by minute.  When I'm distracted I'm the most comfortable.  Time moves by much more swiftly and I don't feel the sensations so much.  I'm still using wisdom regarding my activities.  I'm still trying to be sensitive to the worries and concerns my mother and husband have for me.  I drive only very very rarely.  Outside when my husband isn't home, at least two of my Springers are always with me.  I get dizzy easily, so I don't do yard work alone outside my fence.  I very much miss my freedom.  Sometimes, I miss it horribly and it effects what I accomplish at home as I hit a same ole same ole place.   But, I've yet to find a comfortable routine.

But, again... as I've said before, I'm blessed.  I have no problems in comparison to what so many people must endure.  Each day is in fact a new day and a new opportunity to look for beauty in my surroundings.  And without the contrast of my challenges, would the beauty I see even in the imperfections, be as vivid and meaningful to me?  Probably not. 

This thorn in my side called Epilepsy has given me an awareness of a higher degree than I've ever had before, and an appreciation for so much in this thing called life...

Where my next entry will take me, who knows?  Betcha it will be sooner, than later!  Ha!

Until then, here's a bit of Richmond County from the ground and a little town called Hamlet, NC...

Project Rewire... First Anniversary... Reflections of a year gone by...

Edit: June 2, 2010 after much thought I pulled my Project Rewire "anniversary" reflections Youtubes Parts 1 and 2 after having them "up" for 8 months.  I never was happy that my endeavor wound up being a two parter even though there was a lot of ground to cover.  Part 1 ultimately received close to double the amount of views that Part 2 had.  Honest to goodness, that didn't hurt me, but it made Part 1 insignificant and practically irrelevant.  Being an extremely logical minded gal, it was important to me for it all to make sense.  It was also important for me to elaborate about the ways I believed God had been leading me to do certain things to help rehab myself.  And how the things He led me to do, had helped me up to that point.  I thought it was also key for me to share how I'd refused to accept the negative words and reports I'd received from Neurologists since January, 2006.  Had I, my faith would have been hampered, dampered and crushed!  However, my entry below is still very much relevant, so only "this" edit is needed in my humble opinion.  To those who watched "my" two-parter, who may come across this entry again, it did my heart well to see those "views", although I truly never wanted anyone to feel obligated to watch both, which was my problem from the beginning.  Should I have followed through and not posted, either?  I'm not sure.  What I am sure about, past is past.  It's new day now.  A new time.  And I have no further thoughts one way or the other. 

Well, Saturday a week ago, July 25th, 2009 I celebrated my first anniversary of blogging Project Rewire. As I mentioned in the prior post, my hubby and I, along with my brother-in-law and a friend took to the sky in our powered parachutes. Then, the next afternoon after church that Sunday I 'webcammed' it to create two YouTubes to share my reflections of Project Rewire's first year, instead of writing my typical "novel" length entry. But, uh oh, here goes one anyway! Ha! A blogging woman's prerogative.

In the Youtubes my "soul" purpose was to share from my heart and provide details to give the viewers and Project Rewire readers a better picture of the positive things I'm doing for myself... things I believe God has guided me to do. As well as to talk about how Epilepsy has limited life. And NOT limited my life, most importantly! It's a bit of a bummer I had to go with two YouYubes, as my original hopes were to get all I felt compelled to share into one video. Yet for me, one was an impossibility. Just like keeping this to only a few lines. (Readers... I'm hoping you feel compelled to take the time to watch Part Two... I'll be forever thankful if you do!)

Also, toward the end I took a few moments to speak specifically to some family members and to a few special friends who I reconnected with this year. Plus, shared a tiny bit about my hopes for this coming year. Although, I touched on a few things I wanted to share, there's more in my heart that soon needs to be added. So, I'm planning to make a couple more YouTubes to elaborate further on ways God has helped me on my journey to healing and also to thank a few people, like all of YOU Project Rewire readers!! From there, we'll see how it goes. I may get in a groove to make YouTubes every now and again. Or, use my channel to share some video of other interests of mine.

A note about the quality... video quality, I mean. To be honest, It's not there. My hubby and I do some videoing from time to time and there is no comparison. But, the content is most assuredly there. I chose to webcam outside in one of my favorite places... on my deck. I could hear all of my wind chimes tinkling in the hot summer breeze... a wonderful variety of birds were singing in my sanctuary... the tops of the tall pine trees swaying back and forth as they danced in the wind... and overhead the fantastic clouds rolled in. It was a steamy 97 degrees in the shade under the umbrella. I taped several sessions to try to get it right. So, you'll catch a tad of not so great editing. It was my first time out with the webcam on my little MacBook and using iMovie. The MacBook is still a rehab tool for me. I'm a "Windows" gal and have been since MS did away with DOS, LOL! But, my goal one day is to be proficient on both.

Also, just so you know... I sent the two parter out to a small number of people first prior to posting them here. Some are people who've known me all of my life, but haven't seen me in over twenty years. People who have seen me in the last one to five years. People I routinely see. And people who've never met me in person. However, I've met via FaceBook; this blog or via Twitter.

So far, I received encouraging comments from everyone, not just patting me on the back, or complimenting me, but true candid feedback. Those who know me in person, noticed the change from my Second MRI Day, March 13, 2009 YouTube. While others went back to the last time they saw me two and three years ago. The only negative feedback I received was from a net friend who has never met me in person. The comments made were about my eyes looking to the left and up often while I was speaking. My friend even thought I was reading cue notes from a board. Nope, it's so not the case. I adlibbed it all! At one time my memory was so sharp I rarely had to write notes for anything and I'm used to thinking on my feet. So, even the mere thought of using notes of any sort when I YouTube myself is never going to happen. I prefer the challenge!

Yet, I'm very thankful my friend mentioned it, otherwise I wouldn't have thought to explain about my eyes. Keep in mind when someone is recalling a memory, the brain signals them to look up and to the left. Interviewers such as I was in my second career, know this. And, people who interrogate others, such as properly trained law enforcement officers, know this. It's a body language thing. Also, please keep in mind that the lesions I mention in the Part One are located in the "language area" of my brain, so it works to find the right word as I speak. My vocabulary is not extensive in the YouTubes as I'd like, but my words do make sense and they flow. That's good enough for me. Hopefully, for those who view them, too! Now, in my next video I'll go into more detail about the "frayed" wires, which actually led up to the name "Project Rewire". It all goes back to a five hour face to face Neuro Cognitive Evaluation I had with a Neuro Psychologist in January of 2007.

One last thing... please any feedback or comments... comment here, or on YouTube. I'm learning and my desire is to improve. This is one time I also ask that Project Rewire readers not email me privately. On YouTube and here on Project Rewire, I can easily come back to refresh my memory. Emails... I receive a large number of emails daily via AOL... and this is so important to me, I don't want to lose any. Thank you!

And just for the record, referring to the "About Me" section on Project Rewire, I'm still doing my best not to allow the disease, nor the stigma to define me that comes along with Epilepsy and/or seizure disorders. And even though I'm pretty much home bound, I try to live my life as normally as possible. I am not a disease, I am Jeanne! The ONLY reason I talk about it in person, or on this blog, is that I'm trying to put a FACE on the disease to bring much needed awareness to it, and that's a path or a calling I can't ignore... so who knows where God will lead me next year? But where ever it is, I'm willing, and He will be faithful to prepare me. Has this past year since beginning Project Rewire been easy? No, it's honestly been one of the most challenging years of my life, but through the Lord, I've persevered. Thankfully,He's yet to forsake me!

Deuteronomy 31: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you."

Okay... here goes! Please feel free to pass this blog entry on as well as the YouTubes, if you feel led to... those of us living with Epilepsy, surely could use the help getting the word out to create awareness everywhere. Thanks!

P.S. I will be cross posting these YouTubes on FaceBook in a day or so. A dear person to me passed away last evening (Sunday) and I need to wait a little. She was a beautiful woman. The wife of "my" special trainman... someone who has been much like a grandfather to me this past year. My heart is breaking for him, and he also just had surgery this week to have stints put in due to a triple blockage. My praying readers... please pray for him and his family. God knows him by name. Thank so much.

It's been quite a week...

Ramblings from a sleep deprived individual waiting to hit the road at 5:15 a.m. to head back to Wake Forest Baptist Hospital for my second in a series of three EEGs. One already down. One later today at 7:30 a.m. with the last to be performed on July 17th.

Am I loving, it? No.

But, it beats the daylights out of being in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit like I was last year. I'm so utterly thankful that my new doctor saw the need for another method to be used to capture the type of data required to either back up my original diagnosis of left mid temporal Epilepsy. Or, rule it out. I refuse to be anything but hopeful.

I've lots of photos I could share of places I've been this week. But I'm struggling, literally, with where to start. There's been much going on of late. Day trips I've made this week alone.

What story should I tell? Let's see...

How about the Jon Schmidt concert my husband and I attended in Charlotte on Saturday night? It was all I wanted for my birthday.

In a word, the concert was amazing! For my readers who may not know of Jon... he's a brilliant pianist. He has the potential to be another George Winston, perhaps even better! I'll share a youtube of his before I sign off on this entry.

As for my story about him, one of my closest friends shared a youtube of his on FaceBook I'll be sharing below. Every time I play it, it brings me to tears. I'm not exactly sure as to all of the reasons for such reactions, but there's just something about the combo that gets to me. It's an unlikely pairing... another uncommon partnership as I like to call them. And Jon's daughter's name is Sarah, which is my first name.

His performance was simply unreal. Jon has an amazing God given talent. He's extremely down to earth, funny and humble. Patient, too, as there were sound problems initially. He was kind and found other ways to entertain us while we waited for the sound tech to workout the bugs. He also took time to chat with my husband and I after the show. I had a vibe during the show and there was no way I could walk out of the theatre without asking him about it.

A super short version of the story, Jon's sister, Rose Anne, passed away when he was 19. She was only 30 years old at the time and was a very accomplished pianist. She had Epilepsy and lost her life to a seizure. Jon wrote his song "Tribute" in her honor to play at her funeral. He shared that he plays it at every concert he gives and tells about her. He doesn't speak of her sorrowfully. In essence he idolized her and he looked up to her... he admired her. He spoke of what a wonderful sister she was and how she was a terrific mom. He even shared that he wanted to marry someone just like her and he did. However, during the concert he never mentioned the cause of her death, but I knew the moment he began talking about Rose Anne. Seriously, something just came over me. I just knew.

We talked with Jon a good 20 minutes after the show and I felt compelled to ask him about her and what happened. He was so kind to me and he willingly shared. I wasn't at all surprised to hear what he told me. Not one bit. It made me a little sad, at the same time, I was awed by Jon's warm and candid manner. And the love I could see that he has for his sister. His tribute to her couldn't be more lovely. I may share a youtube of it another time.

To me, I see the few moments we spent with Jon as a divine encounter. I'm very thankful to my special friend for sharing that youtube on FaceBook.

First will be a little photo of me with Jon below. Oh how I wish I'd straightened my cross first!

Then, the lovely youtube will follow.

Tate Hall in the Overcash Building at CPCC Charlotte

And here's the youtube... I've shared it with some of my readers on FaceBook and individually. There are no words to describe how this song touches me. It's not the lyrics... it's the shear beauty of the music and Jon's creativity. It's pure brilliance! Putting the piano and the cello together in such a unique song combo. Incredible!

Special thanks also to Dennis D. for putting the show together and networking about the venue change, the tickets, directions to the theatre... etc. He did an impeccable job. And, he also plays a nice piano!

I'm telling you what... you should check to see if Jon will be performing in your area, because, if he is you need to go see him. Once Love Story is released, his popularity is going to GROW... the sky is the limit for him!

Jon Schmidt dot com

!! Happy Fourth of July to all of my readers and Happy Birthday to my niece !!

There but for the grace of God go I ...

First, quickly about me. I have three sleep deprived EEGs scheduled over the next six weeks. In other words every other Friday, starting this Friday, June 19th.

For me this means I'll not be sleeping any the night before and my husband and I will be pulling out to head to Winston-Salem at 5:30 a.m. to arrive for my 7:30 a.m. appointments. All pre-scheduled. As far as what else is happening with me and the Comprehensive Epilepsy Center at Wake Forest Baptist, at the moment suffice it to say, from a patient's perspective, I'm finding it necessary to exercise a great deal of patience and faith. However, the human in me is striving to be gracious as possible and am praying some very precise prayers. I know they're doing their best to help me. Just as i'm doing my best to help myself.

I talked with my nurse, Valerie, just a few moments ago and she assured me that even though my appointment was set for January, 2010, I'll see Dr. Sam again before then. Seriously, when I heard the 2010 date, it about blew my mind, yet, I held fast. I discussed it with my husband and mother and prayed some extremely precise prayers. God listened. He answered. Once Dr. Sam reads the three sleep deprived EEGs, she'll have a better understanding, and hopefully will arrive at a definitive diagnosis. Whether it matches my original diagnosis from February, 2006, I don't care, I simply want a clear diagnosis. Which in essence will be a starting point. Too much and too long for the purposes of this blog to go into any more detail.

The other things I wanted to share about are interesting answers to prayers I've received for divine appointments and divine connections. I believe God is opening doors in amazing ways. I can't go into much detail because in all cases these are real people. One here locally, I'll expound upon a bit, but will change "his" story to protect him. This happened the afternoon before we journeyed to my long awaited appointment at WFBH. I saw him in a parking lot with a sign that read, "Homeless, God Bless". Well, I asked my husband to turn around so we could give the man some money and talk with him. I wanted to hear his story.

When we got out of our car and approached him, he looked down but walked over to us. He was standing in the hot sun, so I encouraged him to step into the shadow that was being cast by our car. He mentioned his head was hurting and that it did often. When I got him focused, I asked him to tell me his story. Where he was from and how he got to the parking lot. He said he was homeless and was from a town about 20 miles from here. When I asked him how he got to the parking lot, he told us he'd walked. My husband and I both are very good at discerning deception, so we believed him. I asked him if he wanted to use my phone to call anyone, but he told me he didn't have anyone. No family. No friends. No one. Only an aunt living somewhere else, and that was it.

He had scars up and down his arms where he'd literally cut crosses into his arms. When I asked him about them, he admitted to me when he was young he self-mutilated himself. I asked him if he prayed and said he did, everyday. At this point my husband leaned in near to him and asked him if he knew the Lord... if he were to die that moment would he go to heaven? The man said very humbly that he wasn't sure. So, at this point my husband led him in prayer... a very simple prayer for salvation. The man struggled towards the end purely because he didn't feel worthy. We talked to him a bit more and asked him his name. His exact words "it's not a good name". He obviously felt ashamed but didn't hesitate one sec in sharing it with us. While we were talking to him another car stopped and a young man got out to give him some money. At first there were only a couple of one dollar bills in his hand, but as he got closer he pulled out a ten dollar bill, too. It appeared to be the only cash he had in his pocket. We didn't have much cash on us either and gave him a twenty dollar bill. He told us immediately it was too much money. Of course, we didn't let him give it back to us. As we parted he looked straight at me and told me he would pray for me every day for the rest of his life. To me, that's amazing. To me, that's God.

This is a person we very well may see again. And, in my husband's line of work... there's a certainly a good chance he will. But, we're praying that this man's life will be changed. That things will turnaround. It wasn't a situation where we felt led to do more, as in getting him some more help. Yet, we are praying it was a once in a lifetime encounter for him -- a divine appointment with a divine connection. There's a bit more to the story, how the other passer by plays in, but suffice it to say, my husband touched his life a year earlier and he's stayed straight. He was a gorgeous "kid" with a pretty wife and two kids in the back seat of their car. He was not driving, so that's proof he's being good.

The following day was my appointment at Wake Forest Baptist Hospital. We had a repeat of the above with a homeless man and a dog named Scooby Doo at the on ramp to I-40. There was no place to pull off, but we gave him some money and his card board sign looked identical to the man's from the day before, except instead of saying "homeless" his said "traveling" with "God Bless" written under it in all caps. We'd noticed him earlier while driving through the area. He was walking his Scooby Doo on a hill where not many cars were. The dog was leashed and harnessed and looked a bit tired, but very happy. His daddy was very attentive to him and people had been stopping to give him bottled water. We didn't have any time to really talk with him, but we are praying for him and hoping he and Scooby Doo make it to their destination. I told him to be sure to buy Scooby Doo a Happy Meal. :)

We encountered three other people that day sitting outside the Whole Foods store at cafe tables. A couple, and then a extremely entertaining gentlemen alone who was by himself All three I believe we'll see again. The couple is into animal rescue in a big way. In fact they started the first animal ambulance service in the US, And very recently moved down from Michigan. Briefly we discussed the Buckeyes and the Wolferines. Living in Ohio for several years, I just had to. They do some incredibly difficult work, I'm not sure I could manage. We all have different callings when it comes to "rescue" work. One thing for sure, their hearts are into it and God works through them to help animals. It's their life work. And, they're into special needs pets like I am. So, I firmly believe it was a meant to be meeting.

The other person's name is Daniel and he was very spiffily dressed sitting a the cafe table beside us playing his guitar, a harmonica and a couple of other instruments. He truly was a one man show. When we came outside to enjoy our lunch, he was singing Amazing Grace with a "Blues" spin on it. The female half of the couple above joined in with him as he sang to add harmony. It was wonderful!! From Amazing Grace he went on to play some of my favorite Mercy Me tunes, without my saying a word! Totally uplifting experience and I was still coming off of my visit with my new doctor and sorely needed to refocus.

I don't see anything as random. I pray every day for divine appointments and connections and I believe with all of my heart that all four I mentioned above, along with a dog named Scooby Doo, we're answers to prayer. Forever those encounters will be etched in my brain. How do I know this? Because when emotions are attached to memories they tend to stick. Some of my memories have gotten a wee bit vague, or were blocked, but I've realized the only reason some have been blocked is that I've focused so much on the positive. NOT, the negative.

I don't have tons of close friends, but the ones I have are incredibly special to me. I also don't have many relatives, nor my own children, but God has blessed me with a close family even though we're stretched across a few states. I've been touched by some fantastic people during my lifetime. Ones that are still on this planet alive and some that aren't. They all have touched my life in ways that have helped to make me a better person. A thankful one. Truly truly "there but for the grace of God go I".

Hope to be including a bit more entries and come back and add some photos. I've had to take time away from this blog just to deal and spend time processing, on top of trying to live a normal life which admittedly, is very challenging. Yet, it's the life I have. So no biggie. I'm taking photos again, but really watching it. I've still a good number to process for various projects. I'm also starting another blog. Haven't quite got the full image of it in my mind as yet... but it'll come as I find time to work on it.

I'll be praying for all of you. If you would please say a few prayers for the special people I mentioned above and little terrier dog Scooby Doo.

In process...

I'm still processing my visit with my new neurologist yesterday. Trying to separate my thoughts from my feelings. Keep emotions at bay all while dealing with the sensations that have yet to stop. I will be posting soon here about it although I've mentioned it on Face Book.

Didn't take any photos, but God surely was all over the day, no doubt about it. Have a few interesting stories to share about ways God is answering my prayers for divine appointments and connections.

Migraine from heck today... words are goofy and not stringing sentences as well as I'd like to write a full entry.

Still full of faith and hope, just some days being a human is easier than others. MRI did not show anything significant, so that is excellent news!! Very happy about that.

Quick 'n and Out... Kind of an Update

My Twitter Profile Photo ------>


For those of you who may not know what Twitter is, a post or two down I shared I'd started "tweeting" for both Sydney & I. There are many reasons behind my choice to do such a thing, but this entry is simply to advise I've now added the Twitter Widget on the right hand column of my blog. Meaning... my live tweets will post live here as I tweet. So, when I'm not making blog entries, live info tweeted by me is still passing to my blog.

Hope this makes sense. If you have a Twitter Account it, will... if not... read the live feed and it'll help.

Still VERY much going on in my life and the lives of my family members & loved ones. Please keep us in your prayers. Me, I need strength & renewing every day as we all do, and God delivers up fun & interesting & powerful & inspiring & uniquely special ways to bless me with it. I've connected with others living with Epilepsy on both Face Book & Twitter, and some amazing people of God, too. Ministers, laymen... Christians and a few even have Epilepsy. Thank God for the net and the ability it gives people like me who are for the most part home bound, because without connections, I'd go nuts!

Words coming in via various ways on the net (from emails I receive from friends, family members, and even people I don't know but care, then add, my online devotions, & my praise music) I really don't know how I'd make it. Phone calls I do get, but these days... I'm really not into phoning nor calling. Aiming for peace, joy & focus constantly. My biggest prayer need of all is that I lose time each day... I need to make better use of it, although I'm trying hard. The not driving thing is getting to me now more than ever, yet, I enjoy the nature that surrounds my home. See beauty every where I look outside.

I'm holding fast... and hanging on tightly to overwhelming, overcoming, unspeakable joy. Spending much time interceding. Trying to build myself up physically and spiritually as well as help others as best I can. I know I've been redeemed... that God is ever faithful. But, I must say my upcoming visit to the Comprehensive Epilepsy Center @ Wake Forest Baptist Hospital with my new doctor can't come soon enough. I'm praying for favor and that she'll be open to start at the beginning. From my traumatic birth onwards... I've all the information that was missing from my past now except for one piece (which really doesn't matter) and found out I had yet another head blow when I was about four. My mother remembered it recently. That's four now. Not too long afterwards, was when my migraines started in first grade.

It's been an amazing journey rediscovering some of my blocked past as well as key information my mother hadn't really forgotten, but hadn't connected to the dots until she read the Newsweek article I continue to mention... Living in the Grips of the Unknown. You can find a link to it by clicking the label below or upper corner of the right panel side.

I do have some photos to share, yet still not in the groove to post yet. I have a couple stories to share, too. But, I am undecided as to whether I will or not yet. If it's right, I will. If not, I won't. However, soon I will post some updated photos of Sydney. Her first birthday is coming up toward the end of the month. She has GROWN!!!

Bye for now......

Everything is all a twitter!!! Sydney & Me!

Extremely quick entry!!! I've now gone public on Face Book as of today and Twitter for myself...

Face Book info is in my right side panel, but anyone can find me by simply performing a "friends search" for:

Jeanne Holland Newton

My vision for my Twitter...

It's an exciting and great way to use my day to day real life stuff to focus my thoughts upwards... in a positive way. Love the challenge of keeping it to 140 characters. For anyone who has known me any length of time, that's a toughy! It also forces me to think more creatively... and choose my words more precisely with a flavor of humor tossed in!

All one has to do if you've never ever tweeted... is to take a few secs to set up an account. It's easy as pie! There are no junkie apps or anything. It's simple and sweet! Create a unique i.d./user name, and there you go. That is all there is to it! You can tweet over the net, or via your phone! What a free package deal!

To follow me, simply click my link below:

http://twitter.com/ppcjeanne

I thought about creating another user name, but ppcjeanne and Jeanne Holland Newton both tie to my blog and Face Book. It's so important to keep things simple, you know?

AND.... tah dah!

Sydney now has her own Twitter, too!

Sydney's vision is to:

Put her cute little face on ESRA in a unique way! She's full of one liners... any English Springer Rescue America volunteers, foster parents, forever home givers, Springers and family critters, all animal and dog lovers alike are welcome to follow her. Heaven only knows what she'll be saying! For those of you who have kept up with my entries, you'll recall her wonderful foster Mom lived in Australia at one time and named Sydney for it. Thanks "Miss M"... one of my favorite nicks for my miracle pup is Sydney Springer. :) So, to follow little Sydney and her antics, simply click her link below:

http://twitter.com/SydneySpringer

P.S. Will come back and add photos when they are all recovered.

Reality... I must be true to one of my Causes...

Excellent coverage, but there needs to be more! Lavender needs to be recognized as the cause color for Epilepsy with the same familiarity as pink is for Breast Cancer. The population challenged by "E" in this country alone is 3 million. Infants, children, women, men...

CURE President and founder Susan Axelrod and Special Olympics Chairman Tim Shriver were on MSNBC's "Morning Joe." Susan shared how she and CURE are working to increase awareness of Epilepsy, as well as research funding. Last night the sold-out 2nd Annual CURE New York City Benefit, at which Shriver was honored for his commitment to helping people with disabilities. "Morning Joe" hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski were special guests of the event.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Pondering directions.........

It's 12:16 a.m. Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Had to re-write this from way early Monday a.m. Re-title it, too.

Words weren't flowing very well and my heart was touched so much at church it hurt. Although, indeed it was a very joyful service. Testimonies were given by visiting men from the ages of 18 to 50 who were once addicted to drugs and alcohol, or both. An alter call was given for those who had lost family members or people close to them who were bound by various things. So, I went to the front and hands were laid upon me. I don't go to alter calls often for several reasons, but just felt the call to go forth. This was the first time I've walked up and stood without having my husband come along. He stayed in his chair. I felt a little alone up there at first mainly because he usually comes to help steady me due to balance issues. But, the cool thing is that I was remarkably steady. My balance was okay. I took many photos during the service, too. Even felt compelled to trek to the car to get one of my cameras. Normally, I don't take one into church. There's another gentleman who takes photos. He really caught "the bug" to buy a new camera and start shooting after he saw some shots I took during a hike my husband I made to a nearby by railroad trestle last autumn. And, he does one terrific job, too! He has the fever, too!

The music was wonderful and the visiting speaker; his son, and their group of 20 men gave us more. Afterwards, when the visiting speaker gave the alter call and laid hands on me, he prayed for many who are close to me. He even asked me to call out their names individually. I did very quietly, but my memory gets sketchy sometimes, and I missed one. He also prayed for my healing to manifest. Believe me, I embraced it and tears flowed. Yet, it was later when I realized I'd forgotten that one very special person. Fortunately, I know God knows this person and many prayers are being lifted up. Not just by me, but by many. So, I didn't beat myself up over it.

There are those I'm concerned about -- that God is the only answer for. Those who are hurting. Fortunately, I do know Him and that Jesus is my savior. That the Holy Spirit is with me. I'm not worried about them -- it's more like a weight. And... a wait. But, I believe and am confident prayers all prayers that are being lifted up on their behalf will be answered. Miracles will happen. That they're in the works.

Now, about Project Rewire, for all intents and purposes I'm pondering whether it has served its purpose. If it's glorifying God. Even though, true healing has not been fully physically manifested yet, I still believe it is forthcoming. I've claimed it. I admit though that I need help to see myself healed -- the actual image of it. At times I allow the "E" condition in and of itself, along with the mood swings (some Rx driven), life circumstances, and being in limbo -- waiting for my June 9th appointment with my new neurologist/epileptologist, and pretty much being stuck at home -- not driving -- not contributing to our income all factor in and kinda hits me at times. When it does, it's overwhelming and I feel weak. Some days it's a little battle. While other days my humaness just gets me. Outside factors easily contribute to it. Yet, I know when I am weak He is strong. Perhaps being weak is a good thing? Yes?

So, what to do? Build my faith stronger. Confess His word. Fill my head with it. And, not stop listening to my praise music. Watch my words that come out of my mouth and my self-talk.

What is important for me to keep in mind, is that I do have many of my words back and am more creative in some different ways than I've ever been. That I've put everyone else in God's hands. Also, to be totally honest, at times I feel that Project Rewire in many regards has become a public journal, so it's time to re-evaluate.

What I do know for sure is that God is continually building my testimony, no doubt about it. At times, I do question as to whether I still have abilities and talents. Yet, the Word says... promises... He's given us unique talents and abilities... gifts, too among other things. So, I just need to check myself, rather than wonder if Project Rewire is all just about "me stuff". One thing that really struck me as I watched Joel Olsteen on television at Yankee Stadium live this past Saturday night... he said, "when you've done all you can, that's when God kicks in". Maybe I'm close to that place, because I've about done all I know to do. Maybe now, is "wait" time.

See... God expects us to do our part. It's a given. And, I'm trying my best, too. Where I may be tripping up is that I'm trying to do other people's parts, too. Something my wise big sister pointed out. Different word choices, similar meaning though. And, she indeed has much wisdom. So, as I write this... I'm going to let loose and turn them over to God. Admittedly, again. Yet, I'll do my best to be available to help if I can. Ever encourage and lift up. But, step out of the way, and let God do His work. Praying for divine connections and divine appointments for those people; for myself, too!

One word about my joyful sister, last year when i went into the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit at Wake Forest Baptist Hospital, we didn't know how many days I would be there wired up waiting to captures seizure events. 24/7 with wires stuck to my head the entire time on camera and sound the entire time -- we didn't know how long I'd be there. Well, she came to help. Stay with our mother. She originally came for what we thought at the most would be a couple of weeks. Well, she wound up staying for close to six weeks. There were things my husband and I needed help doing for our mother. And, I needed help. I walked out of that clinic pretty much in pieces because no events were captured. I'd pinned so many hopes on that stay and I hated it in there. Went sleep deprived for days longer that they even required. But, brains don't act on demand. They have their own minds. However, my eeg did clearly show that I was prone to seizures and it was an odd eeg to read. (It's suspected I'm experiencing deeper level seizure activity. It's just not been "captured" yet for a firm diagnosis to be made for medical intervention. Being aytpical... being unique has it's ups and downs, yet God is bigger. :)

From my sister's generous help and time, when she finally went back home to PA. I traveled along to give her company. Although I didn't drive. I helped with her Maltese pups. Once there, we did our usual fun stuff, but I helped a bit in her yard and with her laptop. And, it was on THAT trip where I found those pink Crocs -- the pink shoes God used to get my attention... which led me to pick up my camera and partner with Him to begin Project Rewire. My sister's reaching out to me... reaching out to help my mother, turned into a good thing. An inspiring chain of events took place. Yes, I did my part, and since it reinforced what I've known for decades now... when hurting sometimes the best most helpful thing one can do is to reach out to help another. Not saying my sister was hurting, but just giving my perspective from what was birthed from her helping me. If a person can't depend on their sister for help, who can a person turn to? I encourage anyone who is hurting reading this... reach out to help someone. There are times that person is in your own family. God will bless you for it.

Me personally, I know for sure God can heal me instantly, yet I've sensed since Project Rewire began that He is building my testimony as He journeys me to healing. So for a time, I need to focus on other things. Spend time in prayer, in His word the best ways I can get it into me and seek His counsel. He's the only one with the answers I need. And, I'm so overdosed on talking about myself... bringing attention to myself for my causes. Much easier said than done.

I also need to spend more time in concentrated prayer about those who are close to me and to my heart. There are several right now who need prayers answered more than me, and I'm really feeling the need to intercede more than ever. Maybe this is just another time of fasting from this place?

We shall see. For those who are believers you will understand, for those who aren't. God is real, I just need to know whether others see Him reflected in me somewhere. Believing and asking God to let me know that in a uniquely special way from someone who knows me and from someone who really doesn't.

Thanks to all who have faithfully read. You can still find me on FaceBook. Yet, I'm going to spend a some time away from there, too. Will check in and out for awhile. There's much to do here in my home. In my yard. My desk is piled up. And, I need to allow God to renew me.

God bless all. Will I be getting rid of this blog entirely? No way. I've invested too much time in it and captured too many memories to do such a thing. It would be like losing a part of my life. Every word has been written from my heart. I'm just not in a place where I can write another word about me at this moment. For now, there are other words I'm feeling led to write. As well, as commitments to keep.

And, yes... this is part of living with the "E" condition. The ups and downs of it. That much I'm sure of. It's part of being human, too. ;)

So, for now... please keep me in your prayers.........

If I receive confirmation that Project Rewire is a work God wants me continue to do, when I come back, I'll post photos of the church service mentioned above. Give the name of the group and their wonderful leader. Before I ever post photos of other people, I always want to make sure it's the right thing to do. Think about it and pray about it. It's not a permissions thing. In photography, the photographer owns the photos and as long as the photos aren't being used to "make money", photos can be posted or used for personal reasons. And, the photos are copyrighted. Yep, even on a public blog, but sensitivity and confidentiality is essential in dealing with hurting people and those in recovery. So, this is a place where I need to be extremely sensitive. Another good reason to take a break. Be quiet and listen to what God has to say to me. While, I clear up some clutter. In my house and in my brain. Edited in a blurb about photography.

***************************added Sunday evening, May 3, 2009, 11:07 p.m.***************************

If this is the first time you've ever read my blog... the recent Newsweek article, is the best resource I've ever come across to give my readers an idea of what "it's" like for me. I'm all over the article, as well as in the stories shared. About this same time last year, I had the same hair do for almost 7 days.

In the Grip of the Unknown

As a gal on a mission, I intend to reference this article from time to time. It's also in my right side panel column of meaningful links. A cure needs to be found regardless of my personal situation. I've much to share about the lack of attention to the need for a cure in future entries.