Blowing the dust off! -- Shaking the dust off!

My last long ago entry was about words and between the very few lines some hopelessness that I felt.  Hopelessness is not an every day feeling, but it is one that pretty much is word provoked for me.  Not self-talk, but words said to me.

My life is different now and it's not so much that I'm limited physically by the condition that wants to control my life, or the area where I reside.  But, bottom line, it's that I have a limited outreach.  A portion of my outreach was via this blog and is also on FaceBook and Twitter here and there.  It's time the was, becomes an is again regarding this blog.  It's time the is on FaceBook, tames down a bit.  Words come into my heart and spirit that I feel compelled to share, but FaceBook certainly isn't the right vehicle for it.  My desire, and I believe it's one God has placed into my heart, is to encourage and lift up others as they cross my path.  It can be a stranger, a friend, an acquaintance, or even someone that's not on my fun to be around list in person or in my "net" life.   

More and more I'm letting go of the me I used to be.  It's not been easy.  It's not been fun.  And in a weird way, it's been time consuming.  It hasn't been anything I wanted to do, but it's necessary for me to move forward.  To hopefully, begin anew.  The me that touched a lot of people most days and actually made differences has gone through some growing pains in simply wanting to "be" since Epilepsy has tried to take control.  It's been crazy just trying to find "me" at times.  I was so much a hands on type of person, and enjoyed one on one and small group settings.  Try as it may, my spirit has fought back even when the me in me, has felt extremely insignificant.  As always it's grace that gets us through.  Even though my challenges are minimal in comparison to what so many people on earth endure and have to push through to the the other side, my reality is my life.  When independence and freedom are lost in rapid time, it can do a number on our self-worth and self-esteem.  There's a very real grief that sets in.  In my case the grief I experienced has been concentrated having lost my dad a few short months after the onset of "E".  Which is a loss I just carry with me.  There's no closure.  No healing, aside from the peace that my dad is with the Lord.  I've also had to feel my way through... navigating through side effects of medications that never helped relieve one single sensation.  I've had to throw off negative words being spoken by serious neurologists about my life and my future.  I've had to shake off subtle fears about SUDEP, as the medical stats are stacked against me.  The journey of finding and discovering the brass tacks of me has been slow going in a way.  There are days I simply function, but each day I push through and can't base my opinion of myself on what I accomplish.  That's such a trap and pitfall.  One we all experience.  Quite possibly, often.

Know this, though, my spirit is not ever going to give in.  There's always of enough of me left, not to let any fears get me!  There's lots of fight left in me to go however many rounds necessary.  Has it been easy?  No.  Can others make it easier by understanding?  Yes.  Yet, I don't expect anyone to change, but me. Honestly, I don't feel sorry for myself in the least.  And if I come off as a whiner, that is not my intent.  My main intent when I share is to help others understand what may not be understandable unless you live it.  However, I know others can relate as compassionate human beings.  A bond many people in and on the outskirts of my life share.

This I know to be truth...

Isaiah 42:3 (Amplified Bible)

"A bruised reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not quench; He will bring forth justice in truth."

I can burn brighter than a dimly burning wick.  There's more than a spark inside me, even though, admittedly it's been a struggle to figure out what God's plan is for me these days.  My life has changed, true, but it's not over.  As for what the future holds, still I'm clueless.  Yet, there's still a purpose for me on this planet, and I'm hoping and praying that it will be revealed to me as the rewiring process continues.  As much as I've felt like letting go of Project Rewire, I know feelings change.  It's my reason for pulling it out of view for awhile so I could focus my thoughts and attention elsewhere for a spell.  It became a hurtful place "here" during the winter months.  There are several reasons for that, but none I need to share, aside from the fact that not much new was coming into my life, and the weather plays a number on this fair weather gal.  Pulling back and storing Project Rewire may not seem the best when bloggers focus on readership, yet, it was the right thing to do for me.  If I'd gone with my feelings, I would have pulled the plug, but wisdom prevailed.

A person can't bank on feelings.  But, a person can bank on God's promises and His Word, even in the midst of setbacks, discouragements, gained ground and peaks so high that touching the sky is possible.  It's all part of the growth process.  Fortunately, God has blessed me with the ability to understand many sides and to keep things in perspective.  It's about letting go and letting God in... what's new?

So, I'm blowing the dust off of Project Rewire, as of this day!  I'm also shaking the dust off of my feet, per se with regard to my relationship with Wake Forest Baptist Comprehensive Epilepsy Center in Winston-Salem -- supposedly, one of the 17 best clinics in the nation.  It was a great experience for me for a season, but, unless something truly bad happens, no more for me.  I may or may not elaborate in the near future, but suffice it to say, if you are suffering from Epilepsy, I highly recommend you go elsewhere.  There are other problems I've run into at Wake Forest Baptist, as well, and the worst is that they don't follow through.  Not even their Department of Excellency.  In the most polite terms, they don't walk their talk.

And before I scoot, admittedly I'm working myself out of an irregular people induced funk... what better way than with Casting Crowns, We Are The Body.  It's important to remember that words bring life or death, and it's very important for me to not only remember it, but live it!  If we aren't His hands and feet, then, who are we? 

Quick 'n and Out... Kind of an Update

My Twitter Profile Photo ------>


For those of you who may not know what Twitter is, a post or two down I shared I'd started "tweeting" for both Sydney & I. There are many reasons behind my choice to do such a thing, but this entry is simply to advise I've now added the Twitter Widget on the right hand column of my blog. Meaning... my live tweets will post live here as I tweet. So, when I'm not making blog entries, live info tweeted by me is still passing to my blog.

Hope this makes sense. If you have a Twitter Account it, will... if not... read the live feed and it'll help.

Still VERY much going on in my life and the lives of my family members & loved ones. Please keep us in your prayers. Me, I need strength & renewing every day as we all do, and God delivers up fun & interesting & powerful & inspiring & uniquely special ways to bless me with it. I've connected with others living with Epilepsy on both Face Book & Twitter, and some amazing people of God, too. Ministers, laymen... Christians and a few even have Epilepsy. Thank God for the net and the ability it gives people like me who are for the most part home bound, because without connections, I'd go nuts!

Words coming in via various ways on the net (from emails I receive from friends, family members, and even people I don't know but care, then add, my online devotions, & my praise music) I really don't know how I'd make it. Phone calls I do get, but these days... I'm really not into phoning nor calling. Aiming for peace, joy & focus constantly. My biggest prayer need of all is that I lose time each day... I need to make better use of it, although I'm trying hard. The not driving thing is getting to me now more than ever, yet, I enjoy the nature that surrounds my home. See beauty every where I look outside.

I'm holding fast... and hanging on tightly to overwhelming, overcoming, unspeakable joy. Spending much time interceding. Trying to build myself up physically and spiritually as well as help others as best I can. I know I've been redeemed... that God is ever faithful. But, I must say my upcoming visit to the Comprehensive Epilepsy Center @ Wake Forest Baptist Hospital with my new doctor can't come soon enough. I'm praying for favor and that she'll be open to start at the beginning. From my traumatic birth onwards... I've all the information that was missing from my past now except for one piece (which really doesn't matter) and found out I had yet another head blow when I was about four. My mother remembered it recently. That's four now. Not too long afterwards, was when my migraines started in first grade.

It's been an amazing journey rediscovering some of my blocked past as well as key information my mother hadn't really forgotten, but hadn't connected to the dots until she read the Newsweek article I continue to mention... Living in the Grips of the Unknown. You can find a link to it by clicking the label below or upper corner of the right panel side.

I do have some photos to share, yet still not in the groove to post yet. I have a couple stories to share, too. But, I am undecided as to whether I will or not yet. If it's right, I will. If not, I won't. However, soon I will post some updated photos of Sydney. Her first birthday is coming up toward the end of the month. She has GROWN!!!

Bye for now......

Pondering directions.........

It's 12:16 a.m. Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Had to re-write this from way early Monday a.m. Re-title it, too.

Words weren't flowing very well and my heart was touched so much at church it hurt. Although, indeed it was a very joyful service. Testimonies were given by visiting men from the ages of 18 to 50 who were once addicted to drugs and alcohol, or both. An alter call was given for those who had lost family members or people close to them who were bound by various things. So, I went to the front and hands were laid upon me. I don't go to alter calls often for several reasons, but just felt the call to go forth. This was the first time I've walked up and stood without having my husband come along. He stayed in his chair. I felt a little alone up there at first mainly because he usually comes to help steady me due to balance issues. But, the cool thing is that I was remarkably steady. My balance was okay. I took many photos during the service, too. Even felt compelled to trek to the car to get one of my cameras. Normally, I don't take one into church. There's another gentleman who takes photos. He really caught "the bug" to buy a new camera and start shooting after he saw some shots I took during a hike my husband I made to a nearby by railroad trestle last autumn. And, he does one terrific job, too! He has the fever, too!

The music was wonderful and the visiting speaker; his son, and their group of 20 men gave us more. Afterwards, when the visiting speaker gave the alter call and laid hands on me, he prayed for many who are close to me. He even asked me to call out their names individually. I did very quietly, but my memory gets sketchy sometimes, and I missed one. He also prayed for my healing to manifest. Believe me, I embraced it and tears flowed. Yet, it was later when I realized I'd forgotten that one very special person. Fortunately, I know God knows this person and many prayers are being lifted up. Not just by me, but by many. So, I didn't beat myself up over it.

There are those I'm concerned about -- that God is the only answer for. Those who are hurting. Fortunately, I do know Him and that Jesus is my savior. That the Holy Spirit is with me. I'm not worried about them -- it's more like a weight. And... a wait. But, I believe and am confident prayers all prayers that are being lifted up on their behalf will be answered. Miracles will happen. That they're in the works.

Now, about Project Rewire, for all intents and purposes I'm pondering whether it has served its purpose. If it's glorifying God. Even though, true healing has not been fully physically manifested yet, I still believe it is forthcoming. I've claimed it. I admit though that I need help to see myself healed -- the actual image of it. At times I allow the "E" condition in and of itself, along with the mood swings (some Rx driven), life circumstances, and being in limbo -- waiting for my June 9th appointment with my new neurologist/epileptologist, and pretty much being stuck at home -- not driving -- not contributing to our income all factor in and kinda hits me at times. When it does, it's overwhelming and I feel weak. Some days it's a little battle. While other days my humaness just gets me. Outside factors easily contribute to it. Yet, I know when I am weak He is strong. Perhaps being weak is a good thing? Yes?

So, what to do? Build my faith stronger. Confess His word. Fill my head with it. And, not stop listening to my praise music. Watch my words that come out of my mouth and my self-talk.

What is important for me to keep in mind, is that I do have many of my words back and am more creative in some different ways than I've ever been. That I've put everyone else in God's hands. Also, to be totally honest, at times I feel that Project Rewire in many regards has become a public journal, so it's time to re-evaluate.

What I do know for sure is that God is continually building my testimony, no doubt about it. At times, I do question as to whether I still have abilities and talents. Yet, the Word says... promises... He's given us unique talents and abilities... gifts, too among other things. So, I just need to check myself, rather than wonder if Project Rewire is all just about "me stuff". One thing that really struck me as I watched Joel Olsteen on television at Yankee Stadium live this past Saturday night... he said, "when you've done all you can, that's when God kicks in". Maybe I'm close to that place, because I've about done all I know to do. Maybe now, is "wait" time.

See... God expects us to do our part. It's a given. And, I'm trying my best, too. Where I may be tripping up is that I'm trying to do other people's parts, too. Something my wise big sister pointed out. Different word choices, similar meaning though. And, she indeed has much wisdom. So, as I write this... I'm going to let loose and turn them over to God. Admittedly, again. Yet, I'll do my best to be available to help if I can. Ever encourage and lift up. But, step out of the way, and let God do His work. Praying for divine connections and divine appointments for those people; for myself, too!

One word about my joyful sister, last year when i went into the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit at Wake Forest Baptist Hospital, we didn't know how many days I would be there wired up waiting to captures seizure events. 24/7 with wires stuck to my head the entire time on camera and sound the entire time -- we didn't know how long I'd be there. Well, she came to help. Stay with our mother. She originally came for what we thought at the most would be a couple of weeks. Well, she wound up staying for close to six weeks. There were things my husband and I needed help doing for our mother. And, I needed help. I walked out of that clinic pretty much in pieces because no events were captured. I'd pinned so many hopes on that stay and I hated it in there. Went sleep deprived for days longer that they even required. But, brains don't act on demand. They have their own minds. However, my eeg did clearly show that I was prone to seizures and it was an odd eeg to read. (It's suspected I'm experiencing deeper level seizure activity. It's just not been "captured" yet for a firm diagnosis to be made for medical intervention. Being aytpical... being unique has it's ups and downs, yet God is bigger. :)

From my sister's generous help and time, when she finally went back home to PA. I traveled along to give her company. Although I didn't drive. I helped with her Maltese pups. Once there, we did our usual fun stuff, but I helped a bit in her yard and with her laptop. And, it was on THAT trip where I found those pink Crocs -- the pink shoes God used to get my attention... which led me to pick up my camera and partner with Him to begin Project Rewire. My sister's reaching out to me... reaching out to help my mother, turned into a good thing. An inspiring chain of events took place. Yes, I did my part, and since it reinforced what I've known for decades now... when hurting sometimes the best most helpful thing one can do is to reach out to help another. Not saying my sister was hurting, but just giving my perspective from what was birthed from her helping me. If a person can't depend on their sister for help, who can a person turn to? I encourage anyone who is hurting reading this... reach out to help someone. There are times that person is in your own family. God will bless you for it.

Me personally, I know for sure God can heal me instantly, yet I've sensed since Project Rewire began that He is building my testimony as He journeys me to healing. So for a time, I need to focus on other things. Spend time in prayer, in His word the best ways I can get it into me and seek His counsel. He's the only one with the answers I need. And, I'm so overdosed on talking about myself... bringing attention to myself for my causes. Much easier said than done.

I also need to spend more time in concentrated prayer about those who are close to me and to my heart. There are several right now who need prayers answered more than me, and I'm really feeling the need to intercede more than ever. Maybe this is just another time of fasting from this place?

We shall see. For those who are believers you will understand, for those who aren't. God is real, I just need to know whether others see Him reflected in me somewhere. Believing and asking God to let me know that in a uniquely special way from someone who knows me and from someone who really doesn't.

Thanks to all who have faithfully read. You can still find me on FaceBook. Yet, I'm going to spend a some time away from there, too. Will check in and out for awhile. There's much to do here in my home. In my yard. My desk is piled up. And, I need to allow God to renew me.

God bless all. Will I be getting rid of this blog entirely? No way. I've invested too much time in it and captured too many memories to do such a thing. It would be like losing a part of my life. Every word has been written from my heart. I'm just not in a place where I can write another word about me at this moment. For now, there are other words I'm feeling led to write. As well, as commitments to keep.

And, yes... this is part of living with the "E" condition. The ups and downs of it. That much I'm sure of. It's part of being human, too. ;)

So, for now... please keep me in your prayers.........

If I receive confirmation that Project Rewire is a work God wants me continue to do, when I come back, I'll post photos of the church service mentioned above. Give the name of the group and their wonderful leader. Before I ever post photos of other people, I always want to make sure it's the right thing to do. Think about it and pray about it. It's not a permissions thing. In photography, the photographer owns the photos and as long as the photos aren't being used to "make money", photos can be posted or used for personal reasons. And, the photos are copyrighted. Yep, even on a public blog, but sensitivity and confidentiality is essential in dealing with hurting people and those in recovery. So, this is a place where I need to be extremely sensitive. Another good reason to take a break. Be quiet and listen to what God has to say to me. While, I clear up some clutter. In my house and in my brain. Edited in a blurb about photography.

***************************added Sunday evening, May 3, 2009, 11:07 p.m.***************************

If this is the first time you've ever read my blog... the recent Newsweek article, is the best resource I've ever come across to give my readers an idea of what "it's" like for me. I'm all over the article, as well as in the stories shared. About this same time last year, I had the same hair do for almost 7 days.

In the Grip of the Unknown

As a gal on a mission, I intend to reference this article from time to time. It's also in my right side panel column of meaningful links. A cure needs to be found regardless of my personal situation. I've much to share about the lack of attention to the need for a cure in future entries.

Texas Tech University.........

are getting a good man... title is a clickable link......

International Expert Joins Newly Formed Department of Neurology at TTUHSC

Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center School of Medicine Dean Steven L. Berk, M.D., has announced the appointment of John C. DeToledo, M.D., as the chairman for the new Department of Neurology.

The creation of a new Department of Neurology was approved by the Texas Tech University System Board of Regents in May 2008. Berk said DeToledo’s vision will bring exceptional care in the field to this community.

“We anticipate that under Dr. DeToledo’s leadership, the Department of Neurology will bring new treatment methods, expand our research program and train neurologists for the future of West Texas.” Berk said.

************************************************************************************

Even though he never got back to me as said he would, what I do know is that no acute abnormalities were indicated on my MRI... that's a good thing! Yet, it leaves a pretty big window. But, I choose not to focus on that window. Honestly, I don't really have a concern for what I may or may not have. It's more of an informational thing......... so my testimony will be real, one people can identify with........ medical documentation certainly helps in such matters. At least the way my logical mind thinks, it makes sense.

My appointment with new doctor, Dr. Maria Sam, won't be until June 9th. So... I've another wait ahead of me. Not thrilled, but it's truly fine. As I've known, Wake Forest Baptist Epilepsy Center has been busy to absorbing Dr. DeToledo's vast patient load and care, plus everything else such an absorption involves. I'm on a list for a cancellation and having talked with ever kind, nurse Valerie, we discussed the possibility of my seeing another doctor than Dr. Maria Sam. But, I believe it's in my best interest to wait to see her. She's the one Dr. DeToledo recommended and described as a "digger". Which really appeals to me. In fact, I believe a digger is exactly what I need. I have such respect and confidence in Dr. DeToledo's knowledge -- the wait will be okay.

Am I disappointed he didn't contact me re. my MRI results? Nope, not at all. He told me goodbye, personally, and he did that with a very few patients... feel very blessed because of it. And, honestly, I'm beyond elated for him. That he's focusing on a new future and that new challenges are ahead for him. I'm beyond elated that he'll play the key role of creating the new Neurology Department at Texas Tech University. I know without a doubt he'll help change countless lives. People with Epilepsy, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and Dementia......... God just called him to a "higher" purpose.

In the meantime, I've gone back and read through my medical histories -- histories two previous neurologists put together and there are some key errors. I've also dug deep into my memory banks with the help of a few triggers and my mother, and have recalled some stuff that just may prove to be beneficial.

I live in the now, and am hopeful about my future......... but sometimes, the answers... the true keys... lie in the past. I wrote my Pastor a note today and mentioned that I feel the Lord, keeps telling me to go back to what I know. Truly, it's the way to keep things easy for me. It's the way not to lose what I already have, like for instance, although I have a new MacBook, it's really become a new rehab tool for me. In some ways it's easy, but I'm able to do more creative things with a Windows based machine. It's what I'm familiar with -- MS operating systems I've been up close and personal with since... yikes, 1982! I'm faster on it, and don't beat myself up, like I do on my MacBook when it's really designed to be more simple for most folks... the way my brain is wired right now, it's not. Now, the curious thing is that my creative talents are improving. My left brain is in overdrive in the idea factory. My right brain is better, too. Yet, I'm still experiencing 24/7 sensations and episodes. Just makes me a bit more atypically special, I guess. But, what I'm getting out of it, is a killer new laptop. Don't like the vulnerabilities to viruses that come along with MS, but will make sure to keep it protected, and auto updated, kinda like God does with me -- when I allow Him, too. Much comes down to a choice.

Yet, More than ever, whatever seizure condition, neuro condition, whatever the heck it is... I'm certain I've had episodes all of my life, however, as I've said before, I've just learned to push past, cope and adapt. Even though pushing past and coping isn't quite as easy as it used to be (age plays a role; life in general plays its own role), I'm confident, I'm on the path to healing... and that God is directing everything.


Even during the times I feel like I have no one... I know God is in all of this... He is working actively in my life... putting all of the pieces together... building my testimony.

I just need to be patient, remain hopeful and keep the faith. And, everything in perspective!! Keeping walking and living in the now, yet focusing ahead. And putting whatever bits and pieces together I can about my medical history. For somone healthy for all intents and purposes, there's been a lot of junk in that area. But, whatever!!! Whew!

Enough of that stuff. Next who knows how many entries will be photographic......... phoetry-o-graphic......... involving fun and beautiful things I see with my green eyes. All sorts of things! A new hobby called Railcar riding......... and a new membership in the Red Springs & Northern Railroad for my husband and I. Wonderful new people from various backgrounds sharing something in common, and another train station for me. This one the exact opposite of the Hamlet Historical Depot. It's not pretty yet, but it's immensely loved by many. They've poured their hearts and souls into it, along with having some awesome fun at the same time. What a combo! And, the stories... even the railcars have stories. But, that's a whole 'nuther blog entry. Perhaps, even another blog! We shall see.

Still making some changes here -- switching out photos on the right column, etc. Adding notes. What nots. Thought about going to Word Press because of the page feature. Even researched it a bit today (when I should be doing other things), but I also like to do research in between other things -- keeps the brain working. It's learning to multi-task again.

However, soon will be blogging for a certain puppy named Sydney via Word Press. Sydney is taking her love affair with a certain Cairn Terrier, by the name of Toby, public soon. Living apart is hard for them, so writing back and forth will help them. Recently, I had an opportunity to meet two wonderful men with the North Carolina Museums Council -- one by the name of Rusty is an artifact handler. He told me that the most valuable artififact ever is a letter. So, Sydney and Toby are on the right track -- just using a hi-tech method.

Right now, like with my MacBook and new Windows laptop, I want to become proficient on both. Not lose anything in between, nor get stuck in the middle. Yet, at the same time, I need to be careful not to take on too much. The cool thing is that the new laptop will buy me some time back, because this poor Vaio, is so slow. Yet, I still love it. It's been such a great friend and partner.

A quick apology to Sir Sir and my cousin, the skippidy gifted one on the right coast....... I think you two have been waiting for me to come through on my end of the Sydney/Toby affair, I'm there! Just a little life got in the way, and I've been learning some new stuff along the way. Still making contacts. Much in part with the help of another cousin on the left coast. One of my best friends, ever.

Old news... new news... mood swings...

This may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm really not... most of my blog in fact comes across as if I'm utterly self-absorbed, focused only on myself. There are ways I am out of necessity and ways I'm not. The ways I'm not first...

My heart thinks much of others... it desires to help others. It can't stand all of the attention drawing to myself. Truly, that part is like finger nails on a blackboard. My heart wants to draw attention to causes outward. So, even at 55 years old, that means I have dreams of a future, a bright one, where God can use me to help others in meaningful ways. Where I can make a little bit of a difference -- I'd say make lots of differences, yet I know... anything I do... on this planet... is up to Him... all I have to do is be willing. So little/big difference(s) = not my call. What I do believe is that He's preparing me for something... many things maybe. As well, as life in general stuff. Whatever His perfect will is for me... I'm willing. I trust Him... and I know He's a plan for me... I'm simply in a period of tribulation, which the Bible tells us will come.

The ways I am self absorbed -- and focused... pretty much all comes down to a few simple things that aren't so simple. The bulk of which come down to "health" issues... beyond the human nature part. First, and foremost, I need a diagnosis. Not having one... as much as I have faith that I'm healed... and am on the path to manisfestation... and am joyful about the new things God is doing for me... the "unknown" is getting old. Very very old. Not just to me, but to my family members and to those who care about me. It's wearing on them, too.

Upside, we're on the road to finally getting one. With "E" it's not an easy thing...

Down side... no word yet on MRI results. No new news. So, even though it's not in my hands... it's the waiting that's a bit exhausting. I've been waiting a LONG time now... since January 2006 for a clear diagnosis, so it's not just about awaiting my MRI results -- the past three plus years all tie together -- it's been one long haul for me as well as for my husband and mother, in particular.

So MRI results, I welcome, even if the imaging shows not much of anything, I already know what the next step will be (not one I welcome, but am willing to go through) to get a firm diagnosis. And, that will be to go back into the Comprehensive Epilepsy Center at Wake Forest Baptist Hospital Phase I Monitoring Unit... the one thing, I absolutely don't want to do unless it's totally necessary. There's a story about my first in-patient experience in the EMU last May. Short version -- we didn't capture the data needed to make a diagnosis. Something I've been reassured happens often. I'd pinned so many hopes on the results of my stay there -- to walk out without a diagnosis really hit me in my human side. Yet, the excellent part... is that it led me to let go and let God... and soon what came of it was "Project Rewire"... not just the blog.

So... in essence I'm living in limbo... kinda stuck at the moment. As the "about me" indicates in my profile, I don't experience common "auras" or "warning signals"... like most people with "E" do... if it's "E" that I have. Which complicates things further and makes it more imperative for my safety to stay in tune moment by moment with how I feel physically (and even emotionally to a degree). Every moment is filtered. Add the side effects of KeppraXR, I'm fairly well set up for mood swings and other not so fun feelings at times. Fortunately, God made me to be a "thinker" which means I have the ability to think my way through my feelings and can redirect and focus my thoughts and feelings and swing myself back up.

Truly... again as the "about me" indicates... I liken it to pressing my finger up to the wind constantly to see how it's blowing. From the most simple thing such as going up and down the stairs... to taking a shower or bath... swimming in my pool in the summer... to even taking a walk alone in my yard, or with my Springers, it's important for me to stay aware of how I feel. Of course, sitting or laying around, it's no biggie because there is no chance I'll fall. My balance is off on my right side, and I've taken a tumble here and there -- there would be more, but I've learned to become an excellent catcher of myself. So... without going further into detail... it's just a fact, it's hard to get away from myself... yesterday was one of those days where I did experience a few slight warning signals because more and more I'm understanding that stress (good and bad... even the excellent) are triggers for me. Yesterday, I had a triple combo, so spent much of the day very still... on my bed... with my laptop... surrounded by my Springers and my big black cat. Had many sensations, pains stabbing in my head... tingly feelings and little jerks all over from my head, in my cheek, twitches in my arms and legs... clicking sounds in my head. Slight shudders. This happens whatever I do... during phone calls... or fixing supper. Sitting still. I just push past and unless you know what to look for, you won't see it. just here one sec, gone the next. Add that 24/7 "junk"... it can become overwhelming unless I direct my focus elsewhere, or just turn my face to the wall, pray and listen to my music. Yet, I was blessed because I didn't have a headache or any pressure. Sometimes it's all of the above and then some. A day without a headache, is a wonderful thing!!

Today... the weatherman is promising a gorgeous day until late this afternoon when rains are supposed to roll in. It's almost sunny and clear right now. Temps are heading to the 70s with a bit of wind. My husband is working today, so I'm praying for calm winds internally because I so want to get outside, maybe take a drive by myself down to one of my special places here... my train station... and take a few walks around it. Maybe take some photos. Just to feel a tad independently again would help my spirit much... spend some special time with just myself would help my mood swings. Just meeting my husband for lunch today would be a dream come true these days -- something we used to do routinely for many years. If any of you near the courthouse read this... tell him I said hi.

At the moment, it's too early to tell how "my" internal winds will blow today. And, they can change in a flash... in fact, even a flash of light can do it!

As far as sharing the other videos I shot or photos of my trip to have the MRI taken... blogs are similar to newspapers. They're supremely time sensitive when it comes to certain things. I won't be sharing any videos... they've fallen into the "old" news category. Hopefully, I'll be able to report some news sometime soon. Maybe add a few stills. It would be amazing if I can snap a few shots of something outside today... away from this house... while the weather is pretty to share instead.

God Bless...