I've been back and forth for months now about my blog, it's not that I don't have things to share, because each day, there is a blog entry in my mind and in my heart, but it's harder for me to find the time to write without taking away time from my husband, and Springers. I'm also at the place where I've shared publicly about my condition to the point it's hard for me to share anything new.
I'm at a standstill with diagnostic endeavors -- my choice. It was time for a break after this summer's sleep deprived EEGs. I'm living un-medicated, and there's not much difference. There are days which are more difficult when the weather fronts really get me, but I still push past and don't allow "it" to stop me.
In January I go back to Wake Forest Baptist, not something I want to do, but it's important for me to follow through. As for where we'll get with the Epilepsy I suffer from, who knows? But, I do need help sleeping better, and would love to do something to take away the non-stop sensations and pain in my head that literally plague me. Migraines are a big problem and are a real concern to me because they create more issues with a white matter disease in my brain. Not life threatening and not debilitating but could lead to strokes. More or less they're TIAs without going into any detail the MRI proved this, which I pretty much knew. My mom has the same events and she's almost 90 now and her mind is so sharp, she's so brilliant, it's unreal. So, I'm not in fear.
I still believe God is slowly healing me, in fact, Saturday before last I was standing in Food Lion with my husband and for first time in almost four years my head felt normal. The sensations I experience are so predominant in my life, so prevalent, so there every second, the moment they stopped I knew it immediately and for almost two hours my head felt normal. I felt normal. I want more "normal". To get there, I'm doing a 180 from the purpose of this blog, it's time for me to be quieter, more settled. It's been since July that I went off the Keppra, and so far my speech and verbal recall hasn't changed. Little words trip me up. New words especially like medication names for Summer or Sydney. Eventually, they do stick though! Yay! My writing has taken a dive, but it's liveable. Hence, one reason blogging is not enjoyable anymore. I make mistakes and each boo boo screams at me. I catch them. I correct them. I will not let one go by me, it hurts if I let it. And sometimes I apologize or ask forgiveness. When the mistakes are bigger. One word can blow the message or the contect. The tone.
For me it's easier to offer unconditional love to others. The real struggle in life, is in finding unconditional love for myself, oneself... not so easily achieved. A word boo boo should not make me feel badly about myself. Nor should other mistakes. If the Lord can forgive me, why should I make hard on myself. Why should any of us?
When we are convicted we should pray and ask forgiveness, believe we've received it, repent and start over with a clean slate. It's up to us what we do with that clean slate. For me, sometimes a clean slate is just another place to write. Another tablet. Sometimes, it's something deeper and more meaningful. We're all human and are trying to live our lives the best we can. Each of us are products of our pasts, our genetics, our hopes and dreams, and our todays... what we do with it all, is our choice. Today, I have a clean slate, my goal is to be a blessing. To make positive differences. Not to take away or hurt anyone. Simple, yet deep stuff depending on how deep your thinking runs...
My heart is big, and it has no problem forgiving others, yet... it's a push and pull thing with myself at times. Self reflection isn't a bad thing. Self absorbtion is, and that's how I believe this blog is coming across. It's time to change that...
Without God's Word, without the sacrifice of his dear son, Jesus Christ, we would not have unconditional love. So this is the season for remembering the reason for the season... Jesus Christ's birthday. And, it is something we should carry with us each day of the year. Unconditional love for our loved ones, our friends, our neighbors, and for those who have hurt us, the same is true. Christmas is the season we remember our loved ones who have passed before us. Christmas is the season we remember those we care about, who are still with us, but perhaps far away, or just in another place, up the road or in another town nearby. They are all only a thought away... a heart pang away in some cases.
As I said, I'll be pulling this blog out of view, but my heart and memories live in it and I will not be deleting it. Sometime in the future, I may bring it back. Whatever I feel God is leading me to do, I'll do and right now, it's time for Project Rewire to take rest and me with it. Since starting Project Rewire, I've felt driven to do everything I can to keep my words flowing. It's time I can let up now. Thank God!
To my readers, thank you for being faithful. Those that have commented and to those who have written me... no words... only gratitude. Those of you on FaceBook, you're just going to have to put up with me. You're stuck with me. :)
I'm at a standstill with diagnostic endeavors -- my choice. It was time for a break after this summer's sleep deprived EEGs. I'm living un-medicated, and there's not much difference. There are days which are more difficult when the weather fronts really get me, but I still push past and don't allow "it" to stop me.
In January I go back to Wake Forest Baptist, not something I want to do, but it's important for me to follow through. As for where we'll get with the Epilepsy I suffer from, who knows? But, I do need help sleeping better, and would love to do something to take away the non-stop sensations and pain in my head that literally plague me. Migraines are a big problem and are a real concern to me because they create more issues with a white matter disease in my brain. Not life threatening and not debilitating but could lead to strokes. More or less they're TIAs without going into any detail the MRI proved this, which I pretty much knew. My mom has the same events and she's almost 90 now and her mind is so sharp, she's so brilliant, it's unreal. So, I'm not in fear.
I still believe God is slowly healing me, in fact, Saturday before last I was standing in Food Lion with my husband and for first time in almost four years my head felt normal. The sensations I experience are so predominant in my life, so prevalent, so there every second, the moment they stopped I knew it immediately and for almost two hours my head felt normal. I felt normal. I want more "normal". To get there, I'm doing a 180 from the purpose of this blog, it's time for me to be quieter, more settled. It's been since July that I went off the Keppra, and so far my speech and verbal recall hasn't changed. Little words trip me up. New words especially like medication names for Summer or Sydney. Eventually, they do stick though! Yay! My writing has taken a dive, but it's liveable. Hence, one reason blogging is not enjoyable anymore. I make mistakes and each boo boo screams at me. I catch them. I correct them. I will not let one go by me, it hurts if I let it. And sometimes I apologize or ask forgiveness. When the mistakes are bigger. One word can blow the message or the contect. The tone.
For me it's easier to offer unconditional love to others. The real struggle in life, is in finding unconditional love for myself, oneself... not so easily achieved. A word boo boo should not make me feel badly about myself. Nor should other mistakes. If the Lord can forgive me, why should I make hard on myself. Why should any of us?
When we are convicted we should pray and ask forgiveness, believe we've received it, repent and start over with a clean slate. It's up to us what we do with that clean slate. For me, sometimes a clean slate is just another place to write. Another tablet. Sometimes, it's something deeper and more meaningful. We're all human and are trying to live our lives the best we can. Each of us are products of our pasts, our genetics, our hopes and dreams, and our todays... what we do with it all, is our choice. Today, I have a clean slate, my goal is to be a blessing. To make positive differences. Not to take away or hurt anyone. Simple, yet deep stuff depending on how deep your thinking runs...
My heart is big, and it has no problem forgiving others, yet... it's a push and pull thing with myself at times. Self reflection isn't a bad thing. Self absorbtion is, and that's how I believe this blog is coming across. It's time to change that...
Without God's Word, without the sacrifice of his dear son, Jesus Christ, we would not have unconditional love. So this is the season for remembering the reason for the season... Jesus Christ's birthday. And, it is something we should carry with us each day of the year. Unconditional love for our loved ones, our friends, our neighbors, and for those who have hurt us, the same is true. Christmas is the season we remember our loved ones who have passed before us. Christmas is the season we remember those we care about, who are still with us, but perhaps far away, or just in another place, up the road or in another town nearby. They are all only a thought away... a heart pang away in some cases.
As I said, I'll be pulling this blog out of view, but my heart and memories live in it and I will not be deleting it. Sometime in the future, I may bring it back. Whatever I feel God is leading me to do, I'll do and right now, it's time for Project Rewire to take rest and me with it. Since starting Project Rewire, I've felt driven to do everything I can to keep my words flowing. It's time I can let up now. Thank God!
To my readers, thank you for being faithful. Those that have commented and to those who have written me... no words... only gratitude. Those of you on FaceBook, you're just going to have to put up with me. You're stuck with me. :)
Posts
1 comment:
Jeanne, I have loved your blog - you know that. Your writing, your photographs, your journey...all so eloquently expressed here. It saddens me to read that this is over, if only for now. I will miss Project Rewire.
You spoke of how easily you extend forgiveness to others, yet have such difficulty accepting it for yourself...do you know that this morning after my quiet time, I was moved to work on a blog post of my own. I had no intention of doing so...but as you well know - God has used our blogs for His purpose and to His glory all along, amen! After reading this post of yours, I now know why I was led to today's post on my blog. God is so good to us and His love and mercy are just beyond words...
Jeanne, as you prepare to close your blog, please know that it has been my honor and pleasure to follow your journey, to pray for you and to now call you my friend and sister in Christ. I love you. God bless you.
Post a Comment