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Monday, June 7, 2010

Blowing the dust off! -- Shaking the dust off!

My last long ago entry was about words and between the very few lines some hopelessness that I felt.  Hopelessness is not an every day feeling, but it is one that pretty much is word provoked for me.  Not self-talk, but words said to me.

My life is different now and it's not so much that I'm limited physically by the condition that wants to control my life, or the area where I reside.  But, bottom line, it's that I have a limited outreach.  A portion of my outreach was via this blog and is also on FaceBook and Twitter here and there.  It's time the was, becomes an is again regarding this blog.  It's time the is on FaceBook, tames down a bit.  Words come into my heart and spirit that I feel compelled to share, but FaceBook certainly isn't the right vehicle for it.  My desire, and I believe it's one God has placed into my heart, is to encourage and lift up others as they cross my path.  It can be a stranger, a friend, an acquaintance, or even someone that's not on my fun to be around list in person or in my "net" life.   

More and more I'm letting go of the me I used to be.  It's not been easy.  It's not been fun.  And in a weird way, it's been time consuming.  It hasn't been anything I wanted to do, but it's necessary for me to move forward.  To hopefully, begin anew.  The me that touched a lot of people most days and actually made differences has gone through some growing pains in simply wanting to "be" since Epilepsy has tried to take control.  It's been crazy just trying to find "me" at times.  I was so much a hands on type of person, and enjoyed one on one and small group settings.  Try as it may, my spirit has fought back even when the me in me, has felt extremely insignificant.  As always it's grace that gets us through.  Even though my challenges are minimal in comparison to what so many people on earth endure and have to push through to the the other side, my reality is my life.  When independence and freedom are lost in rapid time, it can do a number on our self-worth and self-esteem.  There's a very real grief that sets in.  In my case the grief I experienced has been concentrated having lost my dad a few short months after the onset of "E".  Which is a loss I just carry with me.  There's no closure.  No healing, aside from the peace that my dad is with the Lord.  I've also had to feel my way through... navigating through side effects of medications that never helped relieve one single sensation.  I've had to throw off negative words being spoken by serious neurologists about my life and my future.  I've had to shake off subtle fears about SUDEP, as the medical stats are stacked against me.  The journey of finding and discovering the brass tacks of me has been slow going in a way.  There are days I simply function, but each day I push through and can't base my opinion of myself on what I accomplish.  That's such a trap and pitfall.  One we all experience.  Quite possibly, often.

Know this, though, my spirit is not ever going to give in.  There's always of enough of me left, not to let any fears get me!  There's lots of fight left in me to go however many rounds necessary.  Has it been easy?  No.  Can others make it easier by understanding?  Yes.  Yet, I don't expect anyone to change, but me. Honestly, I don't feel sorry for myself in the least.  And if I come off as a whiner, that is not my intent.  My main intent when I share is to help others understand what may not be understandable unless you live it.  However, I know others can relate as compassionate human beings.  A bond many people in and on the outskirts of my life share.

This I know to be truth...

Isaiah 42:3 (Amplified Bible)

"A bruised reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not quench; He will bring forth justice in truth."

I can burn brighter than a dimly burning wick.  There's more than a spark inside me, even though, admittedly it's been a struggle to figure out what God's plan is for me these days.  My life has changed, true, but it's not over.  As for what the future holds, still I'm clueless.  Yet, there's still a purpose for me on this planet, and I'm hoping and praying that it will be revealed to me as the rewiring process continues.  As much as I've felt like letting go of Project Rewire, I know feelings change.  It's my reason for pulling it out of view for awhile so I could focus my thoughts and attention elsewhere for a spell.  It became a hurtful place "here" during the winter months.  There are several reasons for that, but none I need to share, aside from the fact that not much new was coming into my life, and the weather plays a number on this fair weather gal.  Pulling back and storing Project Rewire may not seem the best when bloggers focus on readership, yet, it was the right thing to do for me.  If I'd gone with my feelings, I would have pulled the plug, but wisdom prevailed.

A person can't bank on feelings.  But, a person can bank on God's promises and His Word, even in the midst of setbacks, discouragements, gained ground and peaks so high that touching the sky is possible.  It's all part of the growth process.  Fortunately, God has blessed me with the ability to understand many sides and to keep things in perspective.  It's about letting go and letting God in... what's new?

So, I'm blowing the dust off of Project Rewire, as of this day!  I'm also shaking the dust off of my feet, per se with regard to my relationship with Wake Forest Baptist Comprehensive Epilepsy Center in Winston-Salem -- supposedly, one of the 17 best clinics in the nation.  It was a great experience for me for a season, but, unless something truly bad happens, no more for me.  I may or may not elaborate in the near future, but suffice it to say, if you are suffering from Epilepsy, I highly recommend you go elsewhere.  There are other problems I've run into at Wake Forest Baptist, as well, and the worst is that they don't follow through.  Not even their Department of Excellency.  In the most polite terms, they don't walk their talk.

And before I scoot, admittedly I'm working myself out of an irregular people induced funk... what better way than with Casting Crowns, We Are The Body.  It's important to remember that words bring life or death, and it's very important for me to not only remember it, but live it!  If we aren't His hands and feet, then, who are we? 


Gigi said...

Welcome back! Oh how I have missed your words on Project Rewire!

Many times while reading, I found myself smiling and nodding...I know some of those feelings quite well myself and understand, in my own fashion, what you mean.

Your blog has blessed me on many occasions and I'm sure I'm not the only one! (Have I mentioned how glad I am that you're back?!)

As I was sitting here typing this comment, my eyes wandered over to your sidebar where you write about why you began Project Rewire. Your last sentence reads, "He's put me on the path to healing & led me to share publicly via this blog." I'm called to Matthew 6:33...Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. I'll be praying that verse for you today, my friend.


Jeanne said...

Gigi, thank you for the welcome back. It's so helpful to know someone else "gets" it, even though we've had different challenges, our hearts are connected in a unique way. The Lord always has His hand in such connections and friendships.

You've blessed me more times than I can count. You've been a cheerleader or sorts in my life at times and God has spoken through you to me. He has yet again in reminding about the path I'm on... the journey. In a way I feel as if the enemy tried to thwart me for awhile, but see... I allowed Him to. As much as I learn and understand the more it's revealed that God is on the path with me. He's also placed people, like you, down the side lines, to give me a fresh drink, a pat on the back, or a simple smile with strengthens and encourages me to keep moving, one step at a time. Thanks for being at the start line, the sidelines, and you will for sure be at the finish line!

God bless... Jeanne

Christa said...

Welcome back, girlfriend. Few things take my breath away, but when I read Gigi's comments, they took my breath away. To see that name, to read those comments and to be transported back to a different and totally opposite time. God truly does work in mysterious ways, and this is one of them.

I'm so very sorry that WF totally dropped the ball. Do not let it shake your faith, though. There is a "minister" out there that can help you, when you get to that point. That is one thing I truly believe. They may not be the mainstream person you are looking for, but they can help. I don't know who it is, but I know they are waiting for you when you're ready.

Worry - no worries. Every day I learn the lesson of "let go, let God." He has a plan, and we have to have faith that He knows what he is doing for us.

Jeanne said...

Christa, thank you, girlfriend. Again I say you're one of my constants for which I'll forever be very grateful for. We shared a unique ride way back when, and thankfully, God has uniquely redeemed that time in a way we would not have imagined had we been able to glimpse it. Talk about a shake off the dust and move on experience. Yet, some bonds were certainly cemented. And a new friend made.

It's not so much that WF has dropped the ball, it's more a case of me taking it back. These days a person must be their own health advocate and with my "atypicalness" the standard same ole same ole doesn't cut it. Like you said, in essence, it's going to take an out of the box thinker. Not someone mainstream. One day that door will open.

In the meantime, I'm going to pick back up on the things I believe God led me to do to improve some of my issues. Progress was definitely made and I don't want to lose the ground I gained. God expects me to do my part in addition to keeping the faith, letting go and allowing Him to guide and direct me. Even when I don't see His plan, by faith I do know it's there.