Old news... new news... mood swings...

This may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm really not... most of my blog in fact comes across as if I'm utterly self-absorbed, focused only on myself. There are ways I am out of necessity and ways I'm not. The ways I'm not first...

My heart thinks much of others... it desires to help others. It can't stand all of the attention drawing to myself. Truly, that part is like finger nails on a blackboard. My heart wants to draw attention to causes outward. So, even at 55 years old, that means I have dreams of a future, a bright one, where God can use me to help others in meaningful ways. Where I can make a little bit of a difference -- I'd say make lots of differences, yet I know... anything I do... on this planet... is up to Him... all I have to do is be willing. So little/big difference(s) = not my call. What I do believe is that He's preparing me for something... many things maybe. As well, as life in general stuff. Whatever His perfect will is for me... I'm willing. I trust Him... and I know He's a plan for me... I'm simply in a period of tribulation, which the Bible tells us will come.

The ways I am self absorbed -- and focused... pretty much all comes down to a few simple things that aren't so simple. The bulk of which come down to "health" issues... beyond the human nature part. First, and foremost, I need a diagnosis. Not having one... as much as I have faith that I'm healed... and am on the path to manisfestation... and am joyful about the new things God is doing for me... the "unknown" is getting old. Very very old. Not just to me, but to my family members and to those who care about me. It's wearing on them, too.

Upside, we're on the road to finally getting one. With "E" it's not an easy thing...

Down side... no word yet on MRI results. No new news. So, even though it's not in my hands... it's the waiting that's a bit exhausting. I've been waiting a LONG time now... since January 2006 for a clear diagnosis, so it's not just about awaiting my MRI results -- the past three plus years all tie together -- it's been one long haul for me as well as for my husband and mother, in particular.

So MRI results, I welcome, even if the imaging shows not much of anything, I already know what the next step will be (not one I welcome, but am willing to go through) to get a firm diagnosis. And, that will be to go back into the Comprehensive Epilepsy Center at Wake Forest Baptist Hospital Phase I Monitoring Unit... the one thing, I absolutely don't want to do unless it's totally necessary. There's a story about my first in-patient experience in the EMU last May. Short version -- we didn't capture the data needed to make a diagnosis. Something I've been reassured happens often. I'd pinned so many hopes on the results of my stay there -- to walk out without a diagnosis really hit me in my human side. Yet, the excellent part... is that it led me to let go and let God... and soon what came of it was "Project Rewire"... not just the blog.

So... in essence I'm living in limbo... kinda stuck at the moment. As the "about me" indicates in my profile, I don't experience common "auras" or "warning signals"... like most people with "E" do... if it's "E" that I have. Which complicates things further and makes it more imperative for my safety to stay in tune moment by moment with how I feel physically (and even emotionally to a degree). Every moment is filtered. Add the side effects of KeppraXR, I'm fairly well set up for mood swings and other not so fun feelings at times. Fortunately, God made me to be a "thinker" which means I have the ability to think my way through my feelings and can redirect and focus my thoughts and feelings and swing myself back up.

Truly... again as the "about me" indicates... I liken it to pressing my finger up to the wind constantly to see how it's blowing. From the most simple thing such as going up and down the stairs... to taking a shower or bath... swimming in my pool in the summer... to even taking a walk alone in my yard, or with my Springers, it's important for me to stay aware of how I feel. Of course, sitting or laying around, it's no biggie because there is no chance I'll fall. My balance is off on my right side, and I've taken a tumble here and there -- there would be more, but I've learned to become an excellent catcher of myself. So... without going further into detail... it's just a fact, it's hard to get away from myself... yesterday was one of those days where I did experience a few slight warning signals because more and more I'm understanding that stress (good and bad... even the excellent) are triggers for me. Yesterday, I had a triple combo, so spent much of the day very still... on my bed... with my laptop... surrounded by my Springers and my big black cat. Had many sensations, pains stabbing in my head... tingly feelings and little jerks all over from my head, in my cheek, twitches in my arms and legs... clicking sounds in my head. Slight shudders. This happens whatever I do... during phone calls... or fixing supper. Sitting still. I just push past and unless you know what to look for, you won't see it. just here one sec, gone the next. Add that 24/7 "junk"... it can become overwhelming unless I direct my focus elsewhere, or just turn my face to the wall, pray and listen to my music. Yet, I was blessed because I didn't have a headache or any pressure. Sometimes it's all of the above and then some. A day without a headache, is a wonderful thing!!

Today... the weatherman is promising a gorgeous day until late this afternoon when rains are supposed to roll in. It's almost sunny and clear right now. Temps are heading to the 70s with a bit of wind. My husband is working today, so I'm praying for calm winds internally because I so want to get outside, maybe take a drive by myself down to one of my special places here... my train station... and take a few walks around it. Maybe take some photos. Just to feel a tad independently again would help my spirit much... spend some special time with just myself would help my mood swings. Just meeting my husband for lunch today would be a dream come true these days -- something we used to do routinely for many years. If any of you near the courthouse read this... tell him I said hi.

At the moment, it's too early to tell how "my" internal winds will blow today. And, they can change in a flash... in fact, even a flash of light can do it!

As far as sharing the other videos I shot or photos of my trip to have the MRI taken... blogs are similar to newspapers. They're supremely time sensitive when it comes to certain things. I won't be sharing any videos... they've fallen into the "old" news category. Hopefully, I'll be able to report some news sometime soon. Maybe add a few stills. It would be amazing if I can snap a few shots of something outside today... away from this house... while the weather is pretty to share instead.

God Bless...